And some still have no idea what has happened.
He told me because he cared. He did not speak of what he had accomplished, what his education was, or what “grand” project or program his department was working on.
He told me to prepare me.
I was still cutting my teeth at twenty three years old next to a dying, scrappy old manwith love in his heart and God guiding his spirit who was trying to teach me the work without corrupting my idealism at the same time.
John was always kind and compassionate to the men and women we served in those early days, but to those who attempted to use these individuals like pawns in their personal pursuits;his demeanor turned to a steely, cold protective hostility. It reminded me of stories about Jesus thrashing the money pits in the temples during biblical times.
He spoke carefully to me in general, but every so oftenthe rage he felt would bubble out; when officials and money men made the dollar matter more than a human life – worse yet was someone trying to put the same dollar amount on that life.
I mirrored his feelings then and time has not softened the emotion even though what some call prudence has softened the voice with which I make my stand.I think I have simply grown accustom to eating and paying bills regularly so the voice is quiet but the words and the messages are straight to the point when I am pressed.
When John passed away, succumbing to cancer, his wishes for me prior were to remind everyone that he did not do anything extraordinary. He wanted everyone to know that God had directed him and had given him the strength to carry out every task he was assigned. He knew exactly what the community would turn his name into once he was gone.
He was right of course; they described him in the very way he hoped they would not, despite my constant reminders of his wishes. Secretly I was happy when they called him a saint or missionary because I thought he deserved it, but equally I learned to trust the very subtle and humble way he tried to live; knowing that if I could muster even the smallest amount of his humility my professional life would be one of honor.
I met Jonathan in an outside agency meeting one afternoon when John was unable to attend; he was ten years my senior and far ahead of anyone else I had met in the field. It was not a coincidence nor was it an accident that I met him and we became friends nearly overnight.
He was miles away from everyone in terms of understanding and comprehension of what was to come for the non-for profit sector.
He knew that by 2010 (he quoted the year often and with certainty in the middle of 1998) The Calgary Homeless Foundation, which at that time was in its infancy, would become a corporate conglomerate for private donors and government officials.
He recognized that this group would also determine where all of the funding would be directed and have such far reaching control over other local corporate donors that anyone who strayed too far from their “guidance” would be denied funding until compliance was gained or agency extinction was performed through financial sanctions and impossible demands.
Jonathan informed this bright eyed 23 year old that soon everyone would not only fight for scraps at their table, but sell off everything of spiritual and a deeply human value in order to obtain those dollars... he was right.
I watched as the great minds and hearts slowly fell prey to the same god; money, ensured survival of their positions and agencies, and a name anyone who was anyone would hire thereafter.
I watched as mission statements became interchangeable depending on the winds that blew from the luxury offices of the foundation building. And when those luxury offices changed to a more subtle location in order to buy the grass roots votes, I shuttered because the beast had adapted.
What Jonathan usually ended our long coffee fueled conversations with was this;
“One day David, you’ll be asked to choose between what you believe in and keeping your job…” He paused here and looked up to the sky, “or it will be about money for the greed heads and you will become a part of the problem…it’s ok David,” he’d say with a very sarcastic smile across his face, “but that is for you to decide because the“who” will judge you after all is you…you’re a good man David and my hopes are that you will always be able to find the memory of you doing the right thing when you look back on your time working for people…” He smiled wide, “remember, the cost of this can be a lot…so be careful…”
I would shutter and shake my head in disbelief, but have remembered his words nearly every day since 1998 when my journey began. My shutter was for a lot and I remember looking at him and hoping he would still be around tomorrow because the way his voice changed sent shivers down my spine as though I was already listening to a ghost.
Having worked in the non-for profit industry for almost fifteen years now, I have seen some extraordinary people doing amazing things with very little money at their disposal. I have witnessed “single individuals” taking missions and ideas forward in order to serve our fellow man and woman kind with a sense of purpose reserved for the best of the best in any business or enterprise.
It really is no wonder that unfortunately some of these “individuals” forget that they were never alone in their mission;theyhad a lot of support and were put out front to merely direct traffic, ensuring to the best of their ability the people being served get what they need.
Some of these“isolated individuals”pay lip service to the people who supported the front line development and delivery of services to clients, but deep down when you’re alone with them their truth seeps out. This truthis what many people never get to see and when they do see it, they either dismiss it for any number of reasons or refuse to donate and help their fellows because nobody really wants to see their money go to a foundation or agency that is going to be the next scandal.
Maybe you are not like me though; perhaps you aren’t idealists who have given yourselves to the human cause for a third of your life only to find at every turn that the people in charge are getting greedier and greedier as time moves on.
And with this greed, they are willing to sell every principle they once stood for in order to build a kingdom in their own name. The intent may still be present inside of them, but execution of their tasks is what is in question.
If the person in charge could keep their personal life from seeping into their professional one, ethics most likely would not be in the title of this piece. However, like Jonny Cash said, “what goes on in the dark will be brought to the light…” Their personal demons begin to steer the respective agencies into dark corners and onto risky, crumbling ledges where the slightest change in economy will cause more lying and more cheating.
Even when the popularity of any given agency is at its peak, if you look closely, you can see the foundation made of sand slowly shift as the people in charge shift their motivations.
I have witnessed many of these same individuals succumb to what can only be called greed, arrogance, self-importance, self-righteousness, over indulgence in pride, and a kind of meanness that crawls up my spine leavingonly a cold, empty feeling in my guts.
That meanness is the exploitation of clients for gain when the purpose of where you are and what you are doing is enough to convince any human being into donating and supporting the cause. Oh, I understand that people need to see the faces of the suffering humans in order to be convinced there is a need, but I also understand that this “fact” is tragic.
On the televisions, in front of the media and sponsors, and whenever outsiders are listening or nearby; their voices are smooth, filled with charm, and oozing with a deep love of man and hope for a brighter future because of what they and their “team” are doing.
The truth is some of these same people love mankind and want to help, but something goes awry with the human being in them when they get power, money, friends with power and money, and influence in a community and they have not lived their lives preparing for such events and in some cases even when they have.
However, behind closed doors they micromanage, lie to, control, and manipulate their staff in order to propagate the “image” that they wish the outsiders to see from a distance, which is rarely close to the truth of what is actually happening. Therein lies the“reasons”perhaps, to the why they would need to manipulate and lie; because they often steal, “misuse” funds or people while using their client’s lives like stocks on the trading floor.
The above is me trying to rationalize that these individuals weren’t like this to begin with; making an assumption and completely comfortable letting you know that despite what assumptions are known for, I will risk being optimistic.
Your front line staff sees a lot in a day’s work; they see human suffering sometimes at its worst, but they also see their managers acting as though the policies and rules do not apply to them. The leaders ask them for honesty, accountability, transparency, and integrity. Yet they model something completely different.
The frontline witness human beings banned from services in order to make money from someone else who represents a more popular demographic with the donors or the media. They witness deals made with certain people over others due to popularity, potential donor influence, and a lingering guilt over past decisions.
As time moves forward, mission statements hold empty space on walls, brochures, and policy manuals; but they also carry the printed departure of the people and ideals who wrote them.
Front line staff watches as programs get created on paper, but never fully implemented in order to bring in extra dollars; then they witness false reporting to the funders in order to justify more money for that same program which may be months or even years from the delivery stage.
You may be saying, “Well these programs need to be planned…” Well of course they do, but by the time the funding is received the planning is long over with and the program simply was not well received or not attended too properly or both. The planning is done to secure the funding.
Do you think those agencies are incapable of doctoring data for a report?
I was provided a position a few years back that did not actually exist in the form it was intended through funding. When I had been working in the position a few days, studying the necessary reporting procedure and looking over past reports, I recognized this fact.
I suggested we seek funding elsewhere because the position had no function other than an extra management hand, which was needed, and I would not falsify reports in order to keep a job. I worked hard to remain within the parameters of the position, but eventually we abolished it and freed up the funding, finding it elsewhere and honestly.
There is always a way if there is Will, even though it might not necessarily be ours.
That was amidst the money crunch as well, but it was as simple as speaking up and recognizing that the position I had taken had been filled for over a year serving a far less function than it was intended and it was simply… unethical to do it, even though it cost me an extra few grand a year.
Paper work has never been my favorite part of non-for profit, but looking back at the reports for the previous twelve months it was obvious that the two previous employees had been content to lie to a funder in order to get paid. They were not necessarily bad people, but ethics get confusing when money and perceived survival is on the line.
And it is not like I am a rich man, who turns down money, but I am a wealthy man in God, family, and relationships and for that nothing I give away in terms of finances could ever purchase me these most important blessings of my existence.
It was sad and I cringed at the thought that my agency, one that I had put my heart and soul into as a young director of twenty three years old, had grown into the kind of place John and I always swore we would never be.
When John passed away, I became one of the youngest directors in the city and it never occurred to me to feel special other than being blessed by having good people close to me willing to help me do a very difficult job.
I was surrounded by people who worked equally as hard as me, if not harder, and there was no doubt in my mind that without others, I would have failed miserably in nearly all facets of growing the agency and steering the ship to what it had become.
There was also no doubt that the agencies I worked with had grown corrupt through fighting for every dollar on any given day. I refused to follow that mentality and my inability to sell out at every request gradually worked me out of a job, which is exactly how it was intended to be. When I resigned then, I felt no alternative was present.
I had spoken hard words to that board of directors and they listened; they did not care overly, but they listened because facts are easily disputed by counter facts, however truth is not so easily ignored.
I made it two and half years at that time and was blessed to be a part of some great work being done for the people of Calgary, but there is still no doubt that everything we did, was and will be a “we accomplished this by the grace of God.”I don’t mean a local or agency wide “we” either. I mean the global “we”. I don’t see alternatives to this because with every person who “makes” it, there are others involved with them along the way.
Imagine if every business, gas station, corporation et cetera gave money and every single working human being gave what they could afford every month in dollars or time…imagine the possibilities of purity we could accomplish in an industry that was built to serve human beings.
The money might be tight but it would be sustainable funding and it would have us more connected as human beings than ever before. We would connect through our compassion, love, concern, and care for our fellows and our children and children’s children.
That is a beautiful dream – one in which the fear of lost funding is gone because all human beings participate in the solution and those people in control of these wonderfully intentioned agencies might not feel as though they need to be sneaky and shady to stay afloat.
That is assuming they were not shady or sneaky to begin with and I will keep that assumption because the line of work lures large hearted individuals at the best and worst of times.
There were and still are times throughout my life when I was selfish, when I did questionable things in my personal and professional lives but now at 37 years old I believe I must work extra hard to approach my professional life just as I do my personal one; by serving God through people without even the slightest question from the self over my motivation.
This is an ideal to work towards, understanding that falling short sometimes is human and acceptable so long as I am approaching this honestly. As each day passes now in sobriety, I try to do better than my last. I try to carry principles with me as I engage in life with my fellows in order to treat the blessing of God’s grace with respect to the best of my ability.
I know I fall short often and it is not a perfect science, but I must and will face those mistakes standing up, trying to make the next decision based on principle when I can see it instead of placing my bets on monetary guided “logic and reason”.
The trouble is, like so many others of my ilk and kin, economics often dictate those mistakes that I feel I am making and in a world where money drives everything and nearly everyone it is hard to let that go.
So when I stay at a job because I need the money; bills, debt, and living because those things costs money, my insanity will be as brief as possible through constant prayer and deliberation with people much smarter than I who have themselves lived through similar experiences.
I felt like I was turning my back on the principles immediately after teaching them in order to stay in “good standing” with the very people I watched destroy something beautiful.And when I turn my back, I become a part of the problem.
I am offended by thelack of faith I have in those moments and wonder exactly why I am here if not to hold true to something better than man’s worst traits,my worst traits, no matter what the outcome might be.
I know sometimes we pay principles lip service too, but I try to take those seriously because I amstarting to understand what they are and how they can help me and us as a whole. I am starting to understand that their importance while being ignored is as dangerous as if I ever knew them at all.
I do not believe we were given the gift of providing service to men and womenin need only to treat other men and women like marksand fools;nor were we given sobriety by mistake, to remain wretches andhustlers in our dealing with human beings once the substance has been taken away.
It pisses me off when human beings claim spiritual enlightenment while they are picking your pockets, selling off morals, bargaining your sons and daughters, husbands and wives, and shunning the very people who need our sacrifice even more in order to accept those who bring longer, sure money.
There is a purpose behind it all and admittedly I do not know what this is all of the time, but it must be something beyond simply making money and building names for ourselves at the expense of others.
I am not always happy to be a part of the process that is unfolding, but a lack of happiness does not mean I am not grateful to be in a position where giving to my fellows is the sole purpose on any given day.
I make choices and decisions and have to live with them and sometimes in them, no matter how up against the wall they might put me wherever I happen to be working; but I assure you, I will not lie nor stretch the truth in order to make money for a cause that stands alone as worthy without the deception.
Do the ends justify the means?
Does it matter to you?
It matters to me my friends; it pushes me towards the for-profit sector like nothing else ever could. Sometimes I feel empty, disillusioned, hurt, and tiredwhen looking around and finding the same ugliness behind every closed door.
No matter where I go, they ask me to teach my fellow strugglers to live like them… to be like them… to want what they have… I get a sick feeling that I am no longer doing any good so I refuse...
Jonathan’s voice would trail off… he was like that, secretive, guilty, and wise beyond his years and pay grade; he knew his time would come and when it came, he hoped he had the stomach to do what needed to be done to restore or retain his dignity depending on where he stood in that moment.
I am grateful that he was there all of those years ago and throughout, to teach me something in the deep recesses of a dark time; I am equally grateful God gave me the ability to hear his voice through the many trials over the past few years and through His grace I was able to make those decisions that did not push me further into hell.
I was wakened by Jonathan, who fed the seeds planted by my mother and father as a child, perhaps even in the womb when they would speak of injustice back and forth and their own young plans to change the world. These plans they would both tell you came straight from God to their hearts.
I will never apologize for giving or believing; for sacrificing jobs (I have sacrificed a few), money, stability, or sometimes sanity so that I may look my parents in the eyes and stare into the heavens praying for the lost and wandering souls of my fellows while looking sometimes desperately for my own.
There are moments when my parents tell me they believe I’ve become a good man and in those moments, I cherish and beam with a quiet joy, raising my gratitude to God because anything good comes from Him and it usually comes through the voices and actions of human beings.
Rest in peace Jonathan and those others who could no longer bear the weight; my heart and soul goes out to you and your families and friends.
For my brothers by blood and by a deep connection and those sisters I have been blessed to meet along the way; thank you all for keeping me as honest as I can be. You have given me strength when none could be found for the tasks at hand. You have my honor, respect, and love.
Thank you,
David Wayne Lewry