A Changing Voice
Wow…another year has flown by, quickly fading from view as the days march frozen into 2014.
I feel the miles wearing upon the body more than in years passed…must be the phenomenon of nearing that mountain peak of forty mixed with a body that acts like it is nearing the ripe old age of eighty. If I am honest, there have been moments where I felt down right physically fragile. A feeling I am completely unfamiliar with…well, was unfamiliar with.
The mind and spirit however, grow resilient and agile by comparison. What a miraculous and wholly unexpected ride this is… by the grace of God.
The year began in a usual way; schedule jam-packed with family, friends, church, service work, counseling, groups, and funerals. There is no doubt that I experienced some ups and downs throughout the year but that is expected, accepted and appreciated because without fail, life will always continue to be life. And if not for those ups and downs, I would most likely no longer be breathing so what a gift every moment is.
Whether I am sheltered within a developing faith or trying to grind out in the same manner I once did; the sun rises and sets every day, the river continues to flow, the Chinook winds furiously blow, and the incredible Rockies stand tall to the west. Today I choose a path which requires constant and steady faith building exercises.
Why?
I see the remnants and relics of the old self-will lifestyle coming back for closure. The reality of that existence in hindsight is beyond twenty-twenty and all too real. I am also blessed to see others struggle, sometimes capsizing under the weight of a selfish existence but often making choices to move forward despite the pain.
It is difficult to stand by watching while at the same time an incredible learning experience as to why we continue to put in the work each and every day. Working towards surrender even when we imagine we have surrendered fully.
The Ego is a tricky devil but the devil does not have to get his due.
Although I can see the dangers of complacency, as clear as a blue sky day for myself that does not mean I perform the task of recognition and practice perfectly at every given opportunity. There is something wholly undeniable and obvious however, when you watch another human being make decisions based out of self and the resulting outcomes of those decisions.
Being able to see the self in the challenges of others and connect to them through the very human struggles with Ego that we all face is the key. What has brought me much closer to my fellows is this very fact. An obvious example is when I notice someone judging, I can see where I too judge and my mouth remains as closed as possible.
The most contributing factor in this psychic change was and remains working the steps whenever I need to and continually engaging their principles as best I can in order to strengthen conscious contact with God. However, this was not the only factor.
There is action and more action…as they say.
I had to purposefully stop searching for the differences between us and begin focusing on the similarities of the human condition beyond just my fellow alcoholics and addicts. I had to stop talking even though my answer was right recognizing it really made no difference. I had to stop trying to convince people of what I thought they should know. I had to stop expecting anyone to do anything beyond exactly what they were doing. I had to give whatever was asked without assuming or expecting the recipients to do anything different.
Once the process started, this stuff really started rolling and coming together.
It is as though the consciousness is being opened in many new ways to seemingly new things, but it is also being opened to what was already there in some form. In the old days, I simply took it all for granted. I expected there to always be duality even when the character defects started to wear down any and all positive attributes I may have carried.
Eventually we all fall off the fence to one side or the other…
Looking back over the year always leads me to the beginning of the journey. Back to where it all started in minute increments over minutes, hours, and days. The jumping off point when the light of day was prominently overwhelmed by the dark of night.
By the grace of God the obsessions to drink and use were lifted.
As time goes by He removes more and more of my obsessive thought and behavioral patterns. There is not a day which passes now where I cannot find gratitude to God for removing the obsessive anger and the resulting judgment and resentment from my heart…this past year definitely provided the backdrop in furthering my understanding of what acceptance means in my life.
The biggest observation of this past year however, has been witnessing the changing voice inside my head. It is seemingly changing for the better, but when I sit to work on the written word it does not always feel as such.
There remains that voice, which screams to bludgeon the reader with explicit, stark raving mad nakedness and fervent experience. Yet at the same moment there is a slowly developing voice which cries for a reasonable and peaceful explanation. Trying to blend these two voices is difficult but not impossible and there is no doubt in my mind that both are necessary for not only writing but survival as well.
The duality of David so to speak; I thank God this duality has worn itself down to vulgarity within articulation. The old version of duality had a much different and violent transition point. The days where I would serve my community until the hour struck noon or five o’clock when I could slip away into the darkness of a completely alternate universe.
By the grace of God I go.
On the one hand preparing messages or prayers for a funeral or church service feels comfortable; well as comfortable as some of these things can ever feel I imagine. On the other hand I feel perfectly comfortable when not in those situations using the most brutal of descriptions to express a certain point.
I.e. Trying to write a funeral service while also working on a section of The Book (how it is in my head now that it has been in the works for over a year and a half) where I am describing the depth of sexual depravity I have explored is a challenge. The mind simply does not appreciate the juxtaposition required to flop back and forth. It is an embarrassment of riches to be sure, but there are moments when I wonder, “Purple elevator monkey…”
I do not believe that there is anything wrong with either side of this coin; nor do I imagine God being displeased or angry with me. It seems to be simply a matter of balance and as most people know, things are much more difficult to balance than they first appear.
Let’s be honest, this is not limited to writing but it definitely is an easy way to express and argue the point with myself. Unfortunately all three of you reading this have to muddle through every word to hopefully find the point.
I hope you can as well, but no hard feelings if you don’t. I will not judge you.
By the grace of God, I am not overly alarmed by anything these days and if that rush of blood to the head occurs, the feeling passes rather quickly. So I understand if it makes no sense to you and am not only aware of but comfortable with the possibility that you may want to figuratively burn this writ. Feel free, I have definitely been there.
What is happening is nothing more than a part of the life recovery process and I am grateful to still be walking the path on this side of the grass. Although it can be fucking annoying at times, it is what it is which is exactly as it is supposed to be.
2013 equaled not only another stage or step in becoming comfortable in my own skin…whatever that skin happens to look like. 2013 was also another layer in understanding what the idea of “comfort in my own skin” even means. The skin we are talking about goes far beyond the surface to the inner skin where our true being exists…thank God it is not skin deep, I would be in serious trouble.
By God’s grace I may get another year to layer pluck and see even more.
As much as things change there is still a part of me which exists that may neither change nor need to in any respect. I try and leave that to God. Some time ago, I recognized a simple truth; I have no bloody idea what parts of me He still needs intact or whatever purpose He sees fit to use my perceived weaknesses. All I really know is that His purpose lies far beyond anything clever I can come up with. My current action is to constantly surrender to these liberating ideas as best I can.
These characteristics, like the rest, are between God and I not you and I. This fact allows a certain comfort and acceptance with all that is…in the world, in you and within me. Imagine a life in which you understand this beautiful existence where all that you do and are is between you and whatever Higher Power you pray to.
It was never meant to be judged by your fellows of any description…unless you commit crimes, then it is another matter altogether.
Perhaps we were meant to be free, autonomous creatures actually choosing to be useful and loving in our own ways. Where our mistakes became choices that either worked out the way we planned or did not, but we were able to see that in some way it all worked out exactly as it was supposed to.
I endeavor to limit my negative impact on others, but of course this is not a perfect science. In order to work with others positively and not withdraw completely to avoid harm; we must engage. Thereby we become susceptible of not only being harmed but causing it as well. We can never control what others do to us, but we can control our reactions.
Limiting harm caused is made much easier when I pause before speaking or acting to not only pray but to recognize that for every moment I think I know what is wrong in someone else there may be an individual thinking thus about me. If that is true then I am no different than anyone else trying to make a life out of this existence. Clearly it is not my place to make judgments on people any more than it is for them to indulge an Egocentric exercise of placing their own upon me or others; regardless of their perceived standing or position.
There is something tragically comic about listening to a person lash out on others behavior while attempting to keep their own closet doors firmly locked. Today, I see a huge difference between inspiring people by sharing the obvious rewards of living to the best of our ability a life of recovery and trying to commit ourselves to saint hood at the expense of the actual truth.
I will continue to pray for all and hope that they too pray for me when I fall short of the ideal we collectively strive towards. Judgment only leads to more judgment while loving leads only to love.
By Your grace God, may I love more this year and judge less. May I pray more and let go of all that I cannot control. May I be a light onto the world around me that they can see Your works through my words, actions, and ideas. May I be an instrument for You God, just for today.
Amen
Wow…another year has flown by, quickly fading from view as the days march frozen into 2014.
I feel the miles wearing upon the body more than in years passed…must be the phenomenon of nearing that mountain peak of forty mixed with a body that acts like it is nearing the ripe old age of eighty. If I am honest, there have been moments where I felt down right physically fragile. A feeling I am completely unfamiliar with…well, was unfamiliar with.
The mind and spirit however, grow resilient and agile by comparison. What a miraculous and wholly unexpected ride this is… by the grace of God.
The year began in a usual way; schedule jam-packed with family, friends, church, service work, counseling, groups, and funerals. There is no doubt that I experienced some ups and downs throughout the year but that is expected, accepted and appreciated because without fail, life will always continue to be life. And if not for those ups and downs, I would most likely no longer be breathing so what a gift every moment is.
Whether I am sheltered within a developing faith or trying to grind out in the same manner I once did; the sun rises and sets every day, the river continues to flow, the Chinook winds furiously blow, and the incredible Rockies stand tall to the west. Today I choose a path which requires constant and steady faith building exercises.
Why?
I see the remnants and relics of the old self-will lifestyle coming back for closure. The reality of that existence in hindsight is beyond twenty-twenty and all too real. I am also blessed to see others struggle, sometimes capsizing under the weight of a selfish existence but often making choices to move forward despite the pain.
It is difficult to stand by watching while at the same time an incredible learning experience as to why we continue to put in the work each and every day. Working towards surrender even when we imagine we have surrendered fully.
The Ego is a tricky devil but the devil does not have to get his due.
Although I can see the dangers of complacency, as clear as a blue sky day for myself that does not mean I perform the task of recognition and practice perfectly at every given opportunity. There is something wholly undeniable and obvious however, when you watch another human being make decisions based out of self and the resulting outcomes of those decisions.
Being able to see the self in the challenges of others and connect to them through the very human struggles with Ego that we all face is the key. What has brought me much closer to my fellows is this very fact. An obvious example is when I notice someone judging, I can see where I too judge and my mouth remains as closed as possible.
The most contributing factor in this psychic change was and remains working the steps whenever I need to and continually engaging their principles as best I can in order to strengthen conscious contact with God. However, this was not the only factor.
There is action and more action…as they say.
I had to purposefully stop searching for the differences between us and begin focusing on the similarities of the human condition beyond just my fellow alcoholics and addicts. I had to stop talking even though my answer was right recognizing it really made no difference. I had to stop trying to convince people of what I thought they should know. I had to stop expecting anyone to do anything beyond exactly what they were doing. I had to give whatever was asked without assuming or expecting the recipients to do anything different.
Once the process started, this stuff really started rolling and coming together.
It is as though the consciousness is being opened in many new ways to seemingly new things, but it is also being opened to what was already there in some form. In the old days, I simply took it all for granted. I expected there to always be duality even when the character defects started to wear down any and all positive attributes I may have carried.
Eventually we all fall off the fence to one side or the other…
Looking back over the year always leads me to the beginning of the journey. Back to where it all started in minute increments over minutes, hours, and days. The jumping off point when the light of day was prominently overwhelmed by the dark of night.
By the grace of God the obsessions to drink and use were lifted.
As time goes by He removes more and more of my obsessive thought and behavioral patterns. There is not a day which passes now where I cannot find gratitude to God for removing the obsessive anger and the resulting judgment and resentment from my heart…this past year definitely provided the backdrop in furthering my understanding of what acceptance means in my life.
The biggest observation of this past year however, has been witnessing the changing voice inside my head. It is seemingly changing for the better, but when I sit to work on the written word it does not always feel as such.
There remains that voice, which screams to bludgeon the reader with explicit, stark raving mad nakedness and fervent experience. Yet at the same moment there is a slowly developing voice which cries for a reasonable and peaceful explanation. Trying to blend these two voices is difficult but not impossible and there is no doubt in my mind that both are necessary for not only writing but survival as well.
The duality of David so to speak; I thank God this duality has worn itself down to vulgarity within articulation. The old version of duality had a much different and violent transition point. The days where I would serve my community until the hour struck noon or five o’clock when I could slip away into the darkness of a completely alternate universe.
By the grace of God I go.
On the one hand preparing messages or prayers for a funeral or church service feels comfortable; well as comfortable as some of these things can ever feel I imagine. On the other hand I feel perfectly comfortable when not in those situations using the most brutal of descriptions to express a certain point.
I.e. Trying to write a funeral service while also working on a section of The Book (how it is in my head now that it has been in the works for over a year and a half) where I am describing the depth of sexual depravity I have explored is a challenge. The mind simply does not appreciate the juxtaposition required to flop back and forth. It is an embarrassment of riches to be sure, but there are moments when I wonder, “Purple elevator monkey…”
I do not believe that there is anything wrong with either side of this coin; nor do I imagine God being displeased or angry with me. It seems to be simply a matter of balance and as most people know, things are much more difficult to balance than they first appear.
Let’s be honest, this is not limited to writing but it definitely is an easy way to express and argue the point with myself. Unfortunately all three of you reading this have to muddle through every word to hopefully find the point.
I hope you can as well, but no hard feelings if you don’t. I will not judge you.
By the grace of God, I am not overly alarmed by anything these days and if that rush of blood to the head occurs, the feeling passes rather quickly. So I understand if it makes no sense to you and am not only aware of but comfortable with the possibility that you may want to figuratively burn this writ. Feel free, I have definitely been there.
What is happening is nothing more than a part of the life recovery process and I am grateful to still be walking the path on this side of the grass. Although it can be fucking annoying at times, it is what it is which is exactly as it is supposed to be.
2013 equaled not only another stage or step in becoming comfortable in my own skin…whatever that skin happens to look like. 2013 was also another layer in understanding what the idea of “comfort in my own skin” even means. The skin we are talking about goes far beyond the surface to the inner skin where our true being exists…thank God it is not skin deep, I would be in serious trouble.
By God’s grace I may get another year to layer pluck and see even more.
As much as things change there is still a part of me which exists that may neither change nor need to in any respect. I try and leave that to God. Some time ago, I recognized a simple truth; I have no bloody idea what parts of me He still needs intact or whatever purpose He sees fit to use my perceived weaknesses. All I really know is that His purpose lies far beyond anything clever I can come up with. My current action is to constantly surrender to these liberating ideas as best I can.
These characteristics, like the rest, are between God and I not you and I. This fact allows a certain comfort and acceptance with all that is…in the world, in you and within me. Imagine a life in which you understand this beautiful existence where all that you do and are is between you and whatever Higher Power you pray to.
It was never meant to be judged by your fellows of any description…unless you commit crimes, then it is another matter altogether.
Perhaps we were meant to be free, autonomous creatures actually choosing to be useful and loving in our own ways. Where our mistakes became choices that either worked out the way we planned or did not, but we were able to see that in some way it all worked out exactly as it was supposed to.
I endeavor to limit my negative impact on others, but of course this is not a perfect science. In order to work with others positively and not withdraw completely to avoid harm; we must engage. Thereby we become susceptible of not only being harmed but causing it as well. We can never control what others do to us, but we can control our reactions.
Limiting harm caused is made much easier when I pause before speaking or acting to not only pray but to recognize that for every moment I think I know what is wrong in someone else there may be an individual thinking thus about me. If that is true then I am no different than anyone else trying to make a life out of this existence. Clearly it is not my place to make judgments on people any more than it is for them to indulge an Egocentric exercise of placing their own upon me or others; regardless of their perceived standing or position.
There is something tragically comic about listening to a person lash out on others behavior while attempting to keep their own closet doors firmly locked. Today, I see a huge difference between inspiring people by sharing the obvious rewards of living to the best of our ability a life of recovery and trying to commit ourselves to saint hood at the expense of the actual truth.
I will continue to pray for all and hope that they too pray for me when I fall short of the ideal we collectively strive towards. Judgment only leads to more judgment while loving leads only to love.
By Your grace God, may I love more this year and judge less. May I pray more and let go of all that I cannot control. May I be a light onto the world around me that they can see Your works through my words, actions, and ideas. May I be an instrument for You God, just for today.
Amen