For some reason, the last few weeks have brought me closer and closer to memories of the beautiful women who have been major parts of my life. Those, who have helped shape me into the man I am becoming…and for the most part that is a dude I can at least stand being with.
At first glance, it appeared a simple flood of warm emotions intermingled with slight regret during a period where I am exploring loneliness in a different way than I have before. There is some truth in that of course, loneliness breeding pleasant euphoric recall in order to keep a man from jumping off the edge into complete insanity, but I recognized something else blinking through the shadows of the past; gratitude.
When I look back, I attempt to balance the negative with the positive, but often times the flow seems to weigh heavily on one side over the other which is generally based on my skewed perspective of emotional memory. There are these instances when the mind succumbs to the weight of certain emotionally charged events and the recall in logic is difficult to visualize let alone process.
In terms of my own experiences with the women I have loved and who have loved me generously and wholly, my gratitude grew and grew with every passing moment, as I stared into that rearview mirror. I recognized the many things they each gave of themselves; not of property or even time - they sunk their souls into me, like I did to them… regret fell immediately away.
All of us lovedin the best manner we knew how for our time and place.
We felt joy, anger, love, hatred, loss, sorrow, acceptance, denial, happiness, beauty, connection, disintegration of parts of us in to the other…but we knew it was real and we went forward with a reckless abandon reserved for such occasions.
There were signs of sickness along the way, which took our focus and attention leading us into places we did not always want to be. However, whatever sickness existed, there was wondered amazement in every kiss, touch, embrace, and lingering love making that often brought us to our knees.
There are places in my heart for them.
I can see their smiles, the shiny glimmer in their eyes as they looked at me, hear their unique laughter, feel their individual fingers across my skin, and listen to the softness of otherwisepain soaked voices whisper tragically beautiful, “I love you’s” in my ear.
At the memory, the tiny, fine hairs inside my ears fire erect and my skin feels a tingle and a pull towards the source.
I have never written off a love affair because it seemed to end; I have walked away, been left wanting, and staring at the ceiling. My mind rationalized and compartmentalized, yet my heart held close those tender, raw lovers; brave enough to engage, passionate enough to thirst, curious enough to bleed, and crazy enough to love.
To all of you, I say…thank you. May every day bring you nothing but joy in experience and an even greater love through whatever new beginning you are given.
David Lewry
At first glance, it appeared a simple flood of warm emotions intermingled with slight regret during a period where I am exploring loneliness in a different way than I have before. There is some truth in that of course, loneliness breeding pleasant euphoric recall in order to keep a man from jumping off the edge into complete insanity, but I recognized something else blinking through the shadows of the past; gratitude.
When I look back, I attempt to balance the negative with the positive, but often times the flow seems to weigh heavily on one side over the other which is generally based on my skewed perspective of emotional memory. There are these instances when the mind succumbs to the weight of certain emotionally charged events and the recall in logic is difficult to visualize let alone process.
In terms of my own experiences with the women I have loved and who have loved me generously and wholly, my gratitude grew and grew with every passing moment, as I stared into that rearview mirror. I recognized the many things they each gave of themselves; not of property or even time - they sunk their souls into me, like I did to them… regret fell immediately away.
All of us lovedin the best manner we knew how for our time and place.
We felt joy, anger, love, hatred, loss, sorrow, acceptance, denial, happiness, beauty, connection, disintegration of parts of us in to the other…but we knew it was real and we went forward with a reckless abandon reserved for such occasions.
There were signs of sickness along the way, which took our focus and attention leading us into places we did not always want to be. However, whatever sickness existed, there was wondered amazement in every kiss, touch, embrace, and lingering love making that often brought us to our knees.
There are places in my heart for them.
I can see their smiles, the shiny glimmer in their eyes as they looked at me, hear their unique laughter, feel their individual fingers across my skin, and listen to the softness of otherwisepain soaked voices whisper tragically beautiful, “I love you’s” in my ear.
At the memory, the tiny, fine hairs inside my ears fire erect and my skin feels a tingle and a pull towards the source.
I have never written off a love affair because it seemed to end; I have walked away, been left wanting, and staring at the ceiling. My mind rationalized and compartmentalized, yet my heart held close those tender, raw lovers; brave enough to engage, passionate enough to thirst, curious enough to bleed, and crazy enough to love.
To all of you, I say…thank you. May every day bring you nothing but joy in experience and an even greater love through whatever new beginning you are given.
David Lewry