It is incredible to me when doubt is gone.
When the presence of acceptance flows and floods every particle of my being; when I can see the world as completely beautiful. It appears full of wonder and purpose amidst turmoil, disappointment and struggle.
In fact, the very thought of turmoil and struggle quickly turns into thoughts of opportunity and growth. An amazing feat brought about by the psychic change they warned me about.
Despite how ego-centric I can become…the moments of freedom add upon one another over the course of time like bricks in the foundation of a strong fortress.
But of course time is not all; there is action and more action, as they say.
There is surrender, which I must practice ad infinitum.
There was a time when I wondered how the design for living would work when push came to shove in my own life. In the first few years I saw what appeared to be people learning to live an abundant life built on faith. Whether this life was full of material wealth or completely devoid of it, they wore a sense of peace across their countenance that I had never known or imagined.
Yet I remained a tough sell on the ideas and concepts…until resistance gave way to surrender that is.
The last five years have taught me, time after time, that there is not only something far greater than I at work in the universe, but that my surrender to this power can leave me relatively invulnerable to the woes of life which used to haunt me…and they haunted nearly every waking hour…
Several weeks ago I was told my back is broken. As the initial shock gave way to recognition, I clearly identified the moment of choice.
I closed my eyes and surrendered as best I could though negative thoughts raced through my mind, fighting for control like an invading virus. I prayed and continued to pray as the doctor spoke; for this has become my habit in all situations. There was a flicker that all was going to be ok, even though I had no idea what that would look like.
Even though I could not conceive of a life without certain realities being available to me.
There was no more lifting, there was no more golf, and the days spent walking for hours were out of the question in that instant.
I listened to the reasoning and the explanations as to the dangers associated with continuing the activities which had brought me, not only joy but a sense of freedom and peace, and felt a sense of panic attempt to flood my system. I prayed intently, knowing it was going to be ok yet the panic resisted and tried to settle into a dark corner of my mind… I continued to pray without ceasing.
The symptoms were numbness in my right leg which was accompanied by a chronic, often debilitating pain in my right hip which extended to my groin and on bad days all the way down to my knee. The doctor explained the numbness as slight paralysis potentially caused by nerve damage from vertebrae fractures and splintering due to the absence of a disk.
In that moment my sick brain told me life had hit a very certain and conclusive end point, but by the grace of God I did not fully agree with my conclusion. There was a sense of doubt and fear, which was absolute and reasonable. Yet as I left the doctor’s office, that still, quiet voice whispered “it will be ok”, “it will be ok”.
As scared as I was; certainty began to push away lingering doubt.
It occurred to me that surrender and acceptance were and always will be the answer.
So as fear crept in slowly, I gave in to prayer and went about working with others in the same way I had been practicing for years. Gradually, through moments of slippery faith that quiet voice began to win out.
“Stay the course, it is all ok…”
I have no better prognosis today than I did back then; in fact today I know with certainty that there is significant nerve damage from the factures in my vertebrae. Regardless, the physical side of things seems a bit less daunting and I feel as though no matter what happens it is exactly as it is supposed to be.
By the grace of God I go.
I have never imagined that I would get off scot free for the life I lived in which I used my body as a weapon and treated it as though indestructible. For every action there is an equal or greater reaction…indeed.
Today, the greater reaction to the action of prayer and surrender is peace, calm, and acceptance of all that is, whether I like it or not. And trust me when I say that I was not immediately overwhelmed by joy.
Then there was a girl… and a couple of fantastic months after we met, our time was done. Although it was sad to see and feel it end, it was exactly what needed to happen. I am not necessarily certain as to the reason only that one exists.
The oddest thing happened really; there was instant acceptance. Once the ending was initiated, it took a few days of prayer and talking it out with a trusted person to realize I was not fighting the flow at all. The acceptance of the end never gave way to thoughts and doubts of “maybe we should try” or “perhaps ending isn’t the right thing.”
I knew, and it was ok.
I am not going to ruminate further on the affair because that is not the point, at least not today. What has happened is a very practical and profound alteration in my ability to process changing circumstances throughout my life.
God is doing for me what I could not do for myself.
Although I felt the sadness of loss and the sensation of loneliness which ensued, the bulk of these emotions lasted only a few of days. Even the old ego, which often beat savagely upon its own brow in loneliness and sorrow gave way without much fight or argument.
It is fascinating to me how things can change...what is more fascinating is the change God makes, which is often a profound matter of perspective, affecting me in a deeply psychic and spiritual way.
Fighting with the flow of things had become so tiring and frustrating in years passed that it barely seemed worthwhile to keep going. This steadily forming acceptance however, is a key to previously locked doorways, leading from the catacombs of the spirit to the sunlight instead.
What an amazing gift!
It often surprises me when people comment on my positive attitude; it surprises me for many reasons not the least of them being how dramatically different that is from the negative, defeatist attitude I carried for so long. The comment is rarely about specific things, but in general towards life. God is doing for me what I could not do for myself.
They sometimes ask what happened to allow for such a perspective change…
My answer is always the same… although I have completed several sets of steps, the major changes in my behavioral pattern over the past few years are prayer and being of service in any way I can to my fellows.
These simple yet definite actions significantly alter my psychic state and consciousness from one of fear to one of faith in every circumstance I encounter. Like most people, circumstances vary from experiencing death and health issues to the loss of jobs or relationships.
These actions also work in times when I behave full of kindness and generosity and when I need to be pulled from the selfish darkness I can sometimes find myself.
I have been taught freely and often; in turn I have tried to practice and teach every day without exception. I try to illustrate a life of prayer leading to surrender, which always leads me to service and through these acceptance becomes the answer.
Service to man is service to God.
Regardless of what name I put on the top of the prayer form…
I have no indisputable proof, but the life I live today in contrast to that I once lived, but I need no other proof… the argument is over.
It is as true as the snow billowing and blowing outside my window at this very moment on this extremely cold and miserable December morning.
Whether the skies are tumultuous or clear, prayer has become a constant ally in my daily life. I firmly believe that a certain and eerie comfort with whatever happens is one of the results of these daily, hourly, and moment to moment practices.
The very same practice I used to scoff at and ignore, thinking that more bullish effort on my part was the answer and nothing else would do…
It is liberating to imagine a life where no matter what comes down the highway, I feel equipped to maneuver through, not around, because I no longer have to maneuver at all. The “obstacles” break away becoming opportunity and opportunity creates new life.
If I am honest, this strikes me as exactly the point of the whole exercise.
Trying to change a life from that of debilitating fear and anxiety into one of calm acceptance and courage is no easy task.
At least it has not been in my case.
I must be willing to face the facts; I did not know how to live free of fear and worry. I needed and need help to find new alternatives, and I need to put into practice new ways of addressing daily life. My responsibility to this is active participation in the process. This is the key to any lasting, sustainable, and life altering changes to my psychic and spiritual states from what I can tell.
By God’s grace I have another day…today. And just for today, I’ll pray more and give more to others than I did yesterday.
Perhaps this will allow me one more 24 hour reprieve.
Amen
David Lewry
When the presence of acceptance flows and floods every particle of my being; when I can see the world as completely beautiful. It appears full of wonder and purpose amidst turmoil, disappointment and struggle.
In fact, the very thought of turmoil and struggle quickly turns into thoughts of opportunity and growth. An amazing feat brought about by the psychic change they warned me about.
Despite how ego-centric I can become…the moments of freedom add upon one another over the course of time like bricks in the foundation of a strong fortress.
But of course time is not all; there is action and more action, as they say.
There is surrender, which I must practice ad infinitum.
There was a time when I wondered how the design for living would work when push came to shove in my own life. In the first few years I saw what appeared to be people learning to live an abundant life built on faith. Whether this life was full of material wealth or completely devoid of it, they wore a sense of peace across their countenance that I had never known or imagined.
Yet I remained a tough sell on the ideas and concepts…until resistance gave way to surrender that is.
The last five years have taught me, time after time, that there is not only something far greater than I at work in the universe, but that my surrender to this power can leave me relatively invulnerable to the woes of life which used to haunt me…and they haunted nearly every waking hour…
Several weeks ago I was told my back is broken. As the initial shock gave way to recognition, I clearly identified the moment of choice.
I closed my eyes and surrendered as best I could though negative thoughts raced through my mind, fighting for control like an invading virus. I prayed and continued to pray as the doctor spoke; for this has become my habit in all situations. There was a flicker that all was going to be ok, even though I had no idea what that would look like.
Even though I could not conceive of a life without certain realities being available to me.
There was no more lifting, there was no more golf, and the days spent walking for hours were out of the question in that instant.
I listened to the reasoning and the explanations as to the dangers associated with continuing the activities which had brought me, not only joy but a sense of freedom and peace, and felt a sense of panic attempt to flood my system. I prayed intently, knowing it was going to be ok yet the panic resisted and tried to settle into a dark corner of my mind… I continued to pray without ceasing.
The symptoms were numbness in my right leg which was accompanied by a chronic, often debilitating pain in my right hip which extended to my groin and on bad days all the way down to my knee. The doctor explained the numbness as slight paralysis potentially caused by nerve damage from vertebrae fractures and splintering due to the absence of a disk.
In that moment my sick brain told me life had hit a very certain and conclusive end point, but by the grace of God I did not fully agree with my conclusion. There was a sense of doubt and fear, which was absolute and reasonable. Yet as I left the doctor’s office, that still, quiet voice whispered “it will be ok”, “it will be ok”.
As scared as I was; certainty began to push away lingering doubt.
It occurred to me that surrender and acceptance were and always will be the answer.
So as fear crept in slowly, I gave in to prayer and went about working with others in the same way I had been practicing for years. Gradually, through moments of slippery faith that quiet voice began to win out.
“Stay the course, it is all ok…”
I have no better prognosis today than I did back then; in fact today I know with certainty that there is significant nerve damage from the factures in my vertebrae. Regardless, the physical side of things seems a bit less daunting and I feel as though no matter what happens it is exactly as it is supposed to be.
By the grace of God I go.
I have never imagined that I would get off scot free for the life I lived in which I used my body as a weapon and treated it as though indestructible. For every action there is an equal or greater reaction…indeed.
Today, the greater reaction to the action of prayer and surrender is peace, calm, and acceptance of all that is, whether I like it or not. And trust me when I say that I was not immediately overwhelmed by joy.
Then there was a girl… and a couple of fantastic months after we met, our time was done. Although it was sad to see and feel it end, it was exactly what needed to happen. I am not necessarily certain as to the reason only that one exists.
The oddest thing happened really; there was instant acceptance. Once the ending was initiated, it took a few days of prayer and talking it out with a trusted person to realize I was not fighting the flow at all. The acceptance of the end never gave way to thoughts and doubts of “maybe we should try” or “perhaps ending isn’t the right thing.”
I knew, and it was ok.
I am not going to ruminate further on the affair because that is not the point, at least not today. What has happened is a very practical and profound alteration in my ability to process changing circumstances throughout my life.
God is doing for me what I could not do for myself.
Although I felt the sadness of loss and the sensation of loneliness which ensued, the bulk of these emotions lasted only a few of days. Even the old ego, which often beat savagely upon its own brow in loneliness and sorrow gave way without much fight or argument.
It is fascinating to me how things can change...what is more fascinating is the change God makes, which is often a profound matter of perspective, affecting me in a deeply psychic and spiritual way.
Fighting with the flow of things had become so tiring and frustrating in years passed that it barely seemed worthwhile to keep going. This steadily forming acceptance however, is a key to previously locked doorways, leading from the catacombs of the spirit to the sunlight instead.
What an amazing gift!
It often surprises me when people comment on my positive attitude; it surprises me for many reasons not the least of them being how dramatically different that is from the negative, defeatist attitude I carried for so long. The comment is rarely about specific things, but in general towards life. God is doing for me what I could not do for myself.
They sometimes ask what happened to allow for such a perspective change…
My answer is always the same… although I have completed several sets of steps, the major changes in my behavioral pattern over the past few years are prayer and being of service in any way I can to my fellows.
These simple yet definite actions significantly alter my psychic state and consciousness from one of fear to one of faith in every circumstance I encounter. Like most people, circumstances vary from experiencing death and health issues to the loss of jobs or relationships.
These actions also work in times when I behave full of kindness and generosity and when I need to be pulled from the selfish darkness I can sometimes find myself.
I have been taught freely and often; in turn I have tried to practice and teach every day without exception. I try to illustrate a life of prayer leading to surrender, which always leads me to service and through these acceptance becomes the answer.
Service to man is service to God.
Regardless of what name I put on the top of the prayer form…
I have no indisputable proof, but the life I live today in contrast to that I once lived, but I need no other proof… the argument is over.
It is as true as the snow billowing and blowing outside my window at this very moment on this extremely cold and miserable December morning.
Whether the skies are tumultuous or clear, prayer has become a constant ally in my daily life. I firmly believe that a certain and eerie comfort with whatever happens is one of the results of these daily, hourly, and moment to moment practices.
The very same practice I used to scoff at and ignore, thinking that more bullish effort on my part was the answer and nothing else would do…
It is liberating to imagine a life where no matter what comes down the highway, I feel equipped to maneuver through, not around, because I no longer have to maneuver at all. The “obstacles” break away becoming opportunity and opportunity creates new life.
If I am honest, this strikes me as exactly the point of the whole exercise.
Trying to change a life from that of debilitating fear and anxiety into one of calm acceptance and courage is no easy task.
At least it has not been in my case.
I must be willing to face the facts; I did not know how to live free of fear and worry. I needed and need help to find new alternatives, and I need to put into practice new ways of addressing daily life. My responsibility to this is active participation in the process. This is the key to any lasting, sustainable, and life altering changes to my psychic and spiritual states from what I can tell.
By God’s grace I have another day…today. And just for today, I’ll pray more and give more to others than I did yesterday.
Perhaps this will allow me one more 24 hour reprieve.
Amen
David Lewry