It is seldom the case when I need help remembering that my mother is one of the most important people in my life at any given time. It remains the same whether we haven’t seen each other for a few days, weeks, or even months; or whether we see each other every few days. But recently I was reminded, as I listened to an old friend talk about her mother, who was lost to illness a few years ago, just how blessed I am to have my mother in my life. She is not just “in my life” in some abstract form either, which almost brings tears to my eyes when I spend a few too many minutes thinking about it and indulging the fact that she won’t live forever. The conversation with Emma resonates in my mind today like a gentle, loving child like memory.
There was pain in her voice, but I could tell that whatever resentment once existed had faded away.
“I know now that my resentment was for my behavior David… and not for her at all.”
The tears flooded her eyes, “I slowly killed her… every time I walked out that front door, brought another loser home and told her to accept it… or told another story to explain my shitty…”
I watched her quietly weeping, head in her hands, and the tears came to my eyes as well. The silence was heavy but no where near awkward or oppressive; it was the silence of necessity and my mind wandered to my parents giving me my latest sober birthday chip.
… The pain in their voices was a mixture of joy, recollection, and a reckless unconditional love for their son who they saw with brand new opportunity each day he stayed sober. The way they waited for the sound of my keys in the door when I was using and hiding out… the manner in which I tried to cash in every ounce of what they taught me just to allow myself the ability to continue the way I had been.
“She never told me to leave David…” an unmistakable smile flashed through her eyes, wrinkled passed her nose and slipped briefly onto her mouth, pursing her lips ever so slightly.
My heart skipped a beat; with every genuine, kind smile a person can muster in a time of pain’s recall, it is as though you can see the little girl or boy inside the adult longing to let go of all of that old debilitating pain and just be a child… and her case, for the first time in her life.
“She only loved me. Always let me come back home and never sent me away…” she rubbed her eyes furiously, “when I look back, I can finally see the good she did, not the anger I carried when all I was doing was getting fucked up…”
She belted out a wild laugh deep from her belly, “imagine being mad at someone who loves you forever because of your own crap…” she laughed again and sat shaking her head, “I guess that’s what we do though… in those days. All I know now is that I have never loved another human being like I love my mother…”
She shrugged her shoulders and lowered her head, “At least I had the chance to tell her that before she left…” the tears flowed in a steady stream but the smile spread, unknowingly it seemed, across her lips, “David do you tell your mom you love her? I know you are close with your parents…”
I nodded, wipe away the moisture from my cheeks, “I most certainly do, but it could never be enough…”
I fell into a deep revelry while she talked; the times I couldn’t bring myself to drop by the folk’s place and just say hello because I was too wrapped up in my own bullshit flashed like lightening through my head… “Can you give me a shot in the head if I ever tell you otherwise Emma…” I shook my head, “I have those moments and these days it eats me up…”
I laughed, but her smile immediately fell away and a stern countenance took over; her eyes narrowed into slits and I felt the air sucking all of the oxygen from around me, as we both entered what felt like a vacuum before she said, “Oh, I will David, I will…”
I was still smiling, but it was the ‘please stop looking at me like that smile’, “Thank you, I know you will…”
Why would I relate a small bit of this story back to you?
Because it is mother’s day.
Because as often as I see my mother, it really is never enough.
Because through every single obstacle I faced along the pathway of my existence… she was there. She was strong. She fought back. She taught me to be strong when it felt like I was going to break. She taught me to love family without questioning even for a second whatever behavior might make me think otherwise.
I love you mom.
Happy Mother’s Day.
And to all of the Mothers out there… Happy you day!
“Mother is the word for God on the lips of all children…”
David Lewry
There was pain in her voice, but I could tell that whatever resentment once existed had faded away.
“I know now that my resentment was for my behavior David… and not for her at all.”
The tears flooded her eyes, “I slowly killed her… every time I walked out that front door, brought another loser home and told her to accept it… or told another story to explain my shitty…”
I watched her quietly weeping, head in her hands, and the tears came to my eyes as well. The silence was heavy but no where near awkward or oppressive; it was the silence of necessity and my mind wandered to my parents giving me my latest sober birthday chip.
… The pain in their voices was a mixture of joy, recollection, and a reckless unconditional love for their son who they saw with brand new opportunity each day he stayed sober. The way they waited for the sound of my keys in the door when I was using and hiding out… the manner in which I tried to cash in every ounce of what they taught me just to allow myself the ability to continue the way I had been.
“She never told me to leave David…” an unmistakable smile flashed through her eyes, wrinkled passed her nose and slipped briefly onto her mouth, pursing her lips ever so slightly.
My heart skipped a beat; with every genuine, kind smile a person can muster in a time of pain’s recall, it is as though you can see the little girl or boy inside the adult longing to let go of all of that old debilitating pain and just be a child… and her case, for the first time in her life.
“She only loved me. Always let me come back home and never sent me away…” she rubbed her eyes furiously, “when I look back, I can finally see the good she did, not the anger I carried when all I was doing was getting fucked up…”
She belted out a wild laugh deep from her belly, “imagine being mad at someone who loves you forever because of your own crap…” she laughed again and sat shaking her head, “I guess that’s what we do though… in those days. All I know now is that I have never loved another human being like I love my mother…”
She shrugged her shoulders and lowered her head, “At least I had the chance to tell her that before she left…” the tears flowed in a steady stream but the smile spread, unknowingly it seemed, across her lips, “David do you tell your mom you love her? I know you are close with your parents…”
I nodded, wipe away the moisture from my cheeks, “I most certainly do, but it could never be enough…”
I fell into a deep revelry while she talked; the times I couldn’t bring myself to drop by the folk’s place and just say hello because I was too wrapped up in my own bullshit flashed like lightening through my head… “Can you give me a shot in the head if I ever tell you otherwise Emma…” I shook my head, “I have those moments and these days it eats me up…”
I laughed, but her smile immediately fell away and a stern countenance took over; her eyes narrowed into slits and I felt the air sucking all of the oxygen from around me, as we both entered what felt like a vacuum before she said, “Oh, I will David, I will…”
I was still smiling, but it was the ‘please stop looking at me like that smile’, “Thank you, I know you will…”
Why would I relate a small bit of this story back to you?
Because it is mother’s day.
Because as often as I see my mother, it really is never enough.
Because through every single obstacle I faced along the pathway of my existence… she was there. She was strong. She fought back. She taught me to be strong when it felt like I was going to break. She taught me to love family without questioning even for a second whatever behavior might make me think otherwise.
I love you mom.
Happy Mother’s Day.
And to all of the Mothers out there… Happy you day!
“Mother is the word for God on the lips of all children…”
David Lewry