Jill was one of us; you might have known her? I cannot say that I did, but for her laugh and the faraway look in her eyes when she spoke mouse like in an open or closed room. There was a kindness in both her laugh and eyes, but mingling in that kindness was a deep knowledge of the tragic side of life we know too well.
Whether you knew her or not, the truth is we all know of her.
We have seen the faces come through the rooms; some stay, some go and come back, and unfortunately some we never see again for a wide variety of reasons…unfortunately, the most predominant reasons are suicide, overdose, accidental overdose, and other drinking or using related causes of death.
Our friend Jill embodies, unfortunately, the example we sometimes need, but always loath, in order to make it one more day, through one more moment of absolute darkness; fighting a disease that never fully leaves us. The time when there is not so much of a glimmer of light or hope; her and the others we must move forward in hopes that somehow, some way, we can pass along their lesson to the next sufferer and absorb it for ourselves.
She is Ahab and the disease is the white fucking whale. She is a prophet passing along an unflappable message through time and space. An angel in the true nature of the word because at this point, there can be no argument that many will live because of her obvious tortured and loving existence.
Our disease is incurable and terminal and cannot be fully defeated. I feel this with every ounce of my being and body on a good day; today however, I will carry this memory like the others into whatever tomorrow I am given and hope that in the moment God presents it to me, I am ready to pass it along in the most helpful and sensitive way that I can.
There are statistics galore for our cause and plight and none of them are overly encouraging; we can and do recover if we have the capacity to be…here is where things get grey. They say, the capacity to be honest…and on top of that we cannot pick up… I know people who understand our literature front and back, inside and out…yet still they constantly tempt fate with a reckless abandon only our lot are truly capable of.
They drink and they use and eventually they die if they cannot stop. Eventually I too will succumb to the disease if I cannot stay sober one day at a time.
I have seen or heard of countless “accidental overdoses” through the past several years, including and prior to those in sobriety. It was not until I entered sobriety did I understand what that seemed to mean; it happens to often to highly skilled addicts and alcoholics for it to be coincidence. Addicts and alcoholics are professional balancers of drugs, prescribed or otherwise, and alcohol; there is simply a point of contact with the substances in which we have absolute no control over our thought patterns any longer.
Early in sobriety I was prescribed Tylenol 3’s for headaches. I was leery of medications, but the pain was fucking intolerable so I accepted only enough for a couple of days from the doctor… just in case.
The first night, I took the recommended dosage and slept like a baby; the second night I took the recommended dosage and felt nothing so I doubled up and slept like a baby again… I woke up the next day terrified and threw the remaining pills down the toilet - knowing that I would have to take more and more each day in order to feel the same “pain relief”.
It was a couple of years before I would even take an aspirin for a headache, no matter how much it hurt because my brain had translated something vital from what others were teaching me about my disease.
The lesson; my disease tells my mind that what I have taken is not enough and then it disconnects me from my body and whatever part of my mind is left; just like with alcohol and other drugs. The result is; though I have taken plenty, I imagine I need more to kill the pain so I load up over the next couple of days until I black out or in the worst case scenario I die.
Now I am not a doctor, but this phenomenon is so pathological with addicts and alcoholics (getting addicted to prescription medications) “in recovery” there cannot be a coincidence at work here.
I know that each human being, whether alcoholic/addict or not, will build up a tolerance over time to medications and the like; however the speed with which we build this “illusory tolerance” cannot be ignored… especially by us. It happens so rapidly, we cannot “think” our way out of it in many cases; by the time it is apparent, it is usually someone else who points it out, or we have died.
I don’t care how many people disprove, discredit, or down right trash the idea because I know that if I and many like me take pain killers or any mood altering substance over a short period of time, our bodies and minds ignore the normal responses to these medications and we take far too much at one time.
I am not quite naïve enough to think that all “accidental overdoses” are accidents, but honestly, that is not the point because whether by accident or “accident on purpose” or plain suicide; the end result is usually tragedy in the form of the loss of someone’s daughter, lover, mother, sister, brother, father, or son as the result.
If there is some piece of broken wisdom wrapped up in this message, let it be that as addicts and alcoholics, we need to be diligent in our approach to medications…this is not to say that you or I should ignore doctor’s orders or instructions, but perhaps we need to question that voice inside our own minds when we approach this subject.
And often the only way we can be truly diligent is to question that inner voice by asking someone else and being ready to take their suggestions when they answer.
May you rest in peace Jill; may your soul feel that which eluded you amongst us…love.
My thoughts and prayers go out to your family and friends…
And to those who continue to suffer, you are no longer alone, despite what your mind and disease tells you…there are those who do recover, but there are none of us who have done it alone.
David W. Lewry
Whether you knew her or not, the truth is we all know of her.
We have seen the faces come through the rooms; some stay, some go and come back, and unfortunately some we never see again for a wide variety of reasons…unfortunately, the most predominant reasons are suicide, overdose, accidental overdose, and other drinking or using related causes of death.
Our friend Jill embodies, unfortunately, the example we sometimes need, but always loath, in order to make it one more day, through one more moment of absolute darkness; fighting a disease that never fully leaves us. The time when there is not so much of a glimmer of light or hope; her and the others we must move forward in hopes that somehow, some way, we can pass along their lesson to the next sufferer and absorb it for ourselves.
She is Ahab and the disease is the white fucking whale. She is a prophet passing along an unflappable message through time and space. An angel in the true nature of the word because at this point, there can be no argument that many will live because of her obvious tortured and loving existence.
Our disease is incurable and terminal and cannot be fully defeated. I feel this with every ounce of my being and body on a good day; today however, I will carry this memory like the others into whatever tomorrow I am given and hope that in the moment God presents it to me, I am ready to pass it along in the most helpful and sensitive way that I can.
There are statistics galore for our cause and plight and none of them are overly encouraging; we can and do recover if we have the capacity to be…here is where things get grey. They say, the capacity to be honest…and on top of that we cannot pick up… I know people who understand our literature front and back, inside and out…yet still they constantly tempt fate with a reckless abandon only our lot are truly capable of.
They drink and they use and eventually they die if they cannot stop. Eventually I too will succumb to the disease if I cannot stay sober one day at a time.
I have seen or heard of countless “accidental overdoses” through the past several years, including and prior to those in sobriety. It was not until I entered sobriety did I understand what that seemed to mean; it happens to often to highly skilled addicts and alcoholics for it to be coincidence. Addicts and alcoholics are professional balancers of drugs, prescribed or otherwise, and alcohol; there is simply a point of contact with the substances in which we have absolute no control over our thought patterns any longer.
Early in sobriety I was prescribed Tylenol 3’s for headaches. I was leery of medications, but the pain was fucking intolerable so I accepted only enough for a couple of days from the doctor… just in case.
The first night, I took the recommended dosage and slept like a baby; the second night I took the recommended dosage and felt nothing so I doubled up and slept like a baby again… I woke up the next day terrified and threw the remaining pills down the toilet - knowing that I would have to take more and more each day in order to feel the same “pain relief”.
It was a couple of years before I would even take an aspirin for a headache, no matter how much it hurt because my brain had translated something vital from what others were teaching me about my disease.
The lesson; my disease tells my mind that what I have taken is not enough and then it disconnects me from my body and whatever part of my mind is left; just like with alcohol and other drugs. The result is; though I have taken plenty, I imagine I need more to kill the pain so I load up over the next couple of days until I black out or in the worst case scenario I die.
Now I am not a doctor, but this phenomenon is so pathological with addicts and alcoholics (getting addicted to prescription medications) “in recovery” there cannot be a coincidence at work here.
I know that each human being, whether alcoholic/addict or not, will build up a tolerance over time to medications and the like; however the speed with which we build this “illusory tolerance” cannot be ignored… especially by us. It happens so rapidly, we cannot “think” our way out of it in many cases; by the time it is apparent, it is usually someone else who points it out, or we have died.
I don’t care how many people disprove, discredit, or down right trash the idea because I know that if I and many like me take pain killers or any mood altering substance over a short period of time, our bodies and minds ignore the normal responses to these medications and we take far too much at one time.
I am not quite naïve enough to think that all “accidental overdoses” are accidents, but honestly, that is not the point because whether by accident or “accident on purpose” or plain suicide; the end result is usually tragedy in the form of the loss of someone’s daughter, lover, mother, sister, brother, father, or son as the result.
If there is some piece of broken wisdom wrapped up in this message, let it be that as addicts and alcoholics, we need to be diligent in our approach to medications…this is not to say that you or I should ignore doctor’s orders or instructions, but perhaps we need to question that voice inside our own minds when we approach this subject.
And often the only way we can be truly diligent is to question that inner voice by asking someone else and being ready to take their suggestions when they answer.
May you rest in peace Jill; may your soul feel that which eluded you amongst us…love.
My thoughts and prayers go out to your family and friends…
And to those who continue to suffer, you are no longer alone, despite what your mind and disease tells you…there are those who do recover, but there are none of us who have done it alone.
David W. Lewry