Sanity

As sobriety began to take shape inside my mind, it was extremely difficult to comprehend the idea that sanity had left me permanently; I have come to understand that this is a common experience at many different intervals of sobriety - this was written in my second year, but the date I can’t recall; by the grace of God alone, I made it through those long stretches when everything seemed wrong, and I felt insane. When my disease ran almost every thought and feeling…thankfully, I did not pick up amidst these moments which seemed at the time to stretch to months for today the promises are the reward.   

Sanity

Falling further than before,
every mighty stroke,
one step closer,
another bottom.

Then it comes,
the quiet thump,
deeper yet,
crashed to the floor,
searching for,
abyss of the soul.

Empty longing.
losing sight,
 of what is,
what is not.

Become darkening,
madness,
trapped in a suit,
of thinning aging skin.

Each and every time,
life slips away,
behind the mask,
put forth,
to hide the pain.

Deep below,
few answers,
did you find,
begging questions,
like a screaming,
begging child.

Nothing stays,
beyond a moment,
these rumblings,
savior is destroyer,
left isolated,
unaware.

Introspection,
lost in minutes,
tired fevered brain,
changed forever,
hiding,
long lost in gray,
life turns blackness,
no reward.

You look at me, as if to say some jolting phrase; something to carry me from the brink of my ice cold heart. Yet emptiness and betrayal is carried in your words, as you theorize my mind trying to catalogue my thoughts, which scald your consciousness the way only I can – without thought or effort.

Nothing happens as the frames change over; you follow me, only to be left behind in wondered amazement at this lost soul of desperation… clutching to the blind edges of reason as I wander off once again…