Feeling much older, slightly wiser, and a hell of a lot happier…2011 is in the rearview mirror now…to some extent at any rate; looking back there was a whole lot going on in every grain of sand that slipped through the old hour glass.
As difficult as it is to put an entire year in perspective, “wow” would say a lot, but that would not even begin to summarize the year of my life in which faith became a living, breathing action word as some things were completely turned upside down.
I learned a bit more of what “faith without works” actually means and it was not taught to me by some educator, but by those who I am blessed to serve as a messenger and hopefully a support.
The men and women who began their new journey this past year to change their lives one day at a time, by the grace of God, after life-times of self-destructive and self-loathing abuse… men and women just like me. They are the ones, who brought me through the fog, while they believed whole heartedly I was bringing them.
This year in theirs and my own recovery journey has been a constant reminder that without works, faith cannot truly exist aside from lip service and private dreaming, which would more than likely lead me back out to the place where suicide was the reasonable solution to all of my problems…by God’s grace I go and by His grace I stay.
Neither I nor the year were perfect, matter of fact, the “I” involved was far from it even though the year dished out some beautiful moments of God’s power and love for my fellows and even me. The truth of the matter is this year brought challenge after challenge, but I witnessed and experienced those same challenges quickly turn into opportunities with every moment sunk into prayer.
If I was to say, “I lived off of prayer all year,” that would be an understatement; everything good in my life is of and because of a growing ability to let go and let God at every possible opportunity. This process was taught to me through time and God’s many messengers working everyday; often without their knowledge of what I was taking from them.
Please don’t leave before the miracle happens… we never know when, only that it is. Whatever it is…
I am grateful for each and every one of my fellows, whether male or female, who found the compassion for me to spend the time and lend their wisdom, strength and hope. Their help was one of the many blessings I received in order to remain sober and work towards where I fully believe God wanted me to be.
Exactly where I am.
I also learned that just because some people have time in sobriety, they are not necessarily healthier than someone who is brand new and in certain cases the time acquired simply turns some back into bullies, bastards, cheats, thieves, and liars just as though they were still using and drinking.
This is not a judgment, it is an observation and I state it here because watching these individuals’ flounder has taught me; living this kind of sobriety is not what I imagined or want and to pass along that it doesn’t have to be for anyone.
If you are new, take the time to get to know people by sticking around and find those people who have time but also have something intangible which time does not always bring to a person. And to the best of your ability keep people off of any pedestal; it can be traumatic for us when we realize no one deserves nor can live up to the images we have in our heads…
I repeatedly experienced this from start to finish of 2011 and by God’s grace I won’t continue along this trend. Realism is key and it is never realistic to hold a human being amongst the saints or the divine; they can only fail and when they do some of us decide that everything is a lie and no longer worth staying sober for.
The truth is much easier; we are all human beings and all fallible by nature, birth, and experience. To me, reality never seemed so sweet; acknowledging that like me, they too have their burdens to carry and like me, cannot attain that divine status our ego proposes is possible.
I interject this observation because I like to remind myself of what I do not want to become and remind myself as to the how I can avoid becoming it. This process is all about repetition and recognition through it and if I am the only person who reads this missive, then that is perhaps one more day I can keep in sobriety and one more thing I can carry forward in order to change just a little at a time.
I pray for all of my fellows, whether struggling or not, friend or foe, healthy or otherwise because we all find ourselves dangling by a string at different points along the route; sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. However, there is no doubt in my mind that there are many people in our situation who do not treat others as though they are simply present to further their own causes and line their pockets.
We all have the capacity to become the whole person we were meant to be, but we get there one step at time, one decision after another to the best of our abilities. Often we find that the most honest decisions have the highest price…buy the ticket; take the ride…the reward is something however that cannot be counted.
There is no other way to get better but to do better each and every day, realizing that stumbling and fumbling is a part of the process…we can recover if we have the capacity to be honest…and that honesty begins with honesty to self…
There is no way for perfection to be a part of our present or future, but I know that I can certainly do better than I did when I was drinking and consuming drugs everyday…by the grace of God I go for like many have said, if I am not moving forward, I am subtly moving backwards into my addictive cycle; as an alcoholic and addict stagnation breeds regression, which personally, I cannot afford.
I digress… subtly.
As the year wound down, a new direction took shape inside of me; I say new, but honestly, it had been percolating in the back of my mind since I was a boy. The same, which I had been dreaming of while at the same time avoiding whole heartedly for three main reasons: a serious lack in faith that indeed God would provide or think me worthy, a lack of faith in my own ability and a more often than not an unreasonable fear that the “who I was” happened to be much too far out for the church environment.
Through continued and increased prayer however, faith slowly and steadily increased and God brought me forward, more often than not kicking and screaming in silent resistance to what I did not know was waiting for me around this last corner… until finally, the wall broke and I gave in to everything that seemed to be happening according to a will outside of my own.
I was scared, but the alternative seemed like insanity…hit head against the wall, bleed, pause, and repeat process as though I could not remember what happened the last time I hit my head against that wall…concussions will do that to a person.
Tired and filled with sorrow from fighting a losing battle over the change that had solidified in the non-for profit atmosphere, I cashed out my chips and struck out alone into private practice. The fifteen years in the field prior prepared me for something and I was about to find out exactly what it was.
It was a leap of faith like none other I had ever experienced; I had the support of friends and family and an unflinching faith that God was directing me. It felt like I had finally taken the side seat in order to allow for things to progress the way God intended…to the best of my ability. I can honestly say that to this point, even the little doubts which have tried to creep into my consciousness could not dissuade me from the path I find myself now on.
But God did not leave me alone for this leap; it was not of me that I found the strength to do it… it was God given through yet more people, who provide me with love and support daily…
All of my friends were huge supports; Dominic, Dominic’s wife Jill, Eryn, Janice, and so many others that given several weeks, I could not take enough time or find enough words to list and thank them all.
I have to mention Tara and Natasha specifically, as they often struck me as the voice of God with their constant supportive messages the closer I got to the departure date from the safe and secure world of being “gainfully employed” by agencies I could no longer fully believe in out of long held principles and a deep passion.
It was Tara and Natasha, who finally spearheaded my decision and both were like singing angels for the voice of my Higher Power when I needed something tangible to convince me that I was in fact making a reasonable choice.
Finally I listened.
Thank you both very much.
My parents were and remain paramount in continuing to re-enforce my faith, whether they were aware or not - they are imperative in my continued trust in the process. Theirs is an unflinching belief that what is happening is right and true and in their belief, I find some of my own mixed in.
In those moments finishing the year when doubt began to creep in, there was always a kind word or some kind of positive news delivered to me at exactly the right time…and I do not believe in coincidences.
I believe in miracles and I believe in God’s timing not my own.
Of the many blessings and lessons, which God brought into my life this past year, the one thing that really sticks is just how difficult it is to get and keep sober time for the large majority of people who attempt it.
I remember how hard it was for me early on and how difficult it can be to this day in certain moments when the world shifts just a bit behind my eyes; for some reason the extent of the difficulty had faded away until I began working daily with new comers. These men and women refueled my memory and pushed me forward never wanting to return to a state of such excited anxiety, if there is anything I can do about that, I am going to continue trying.
By God’s grace I have not had to drink or use since August 22, 2004, but so many have not had this experience; it appears much more difficult today than when I walked into the Garnett and stopped when God took my obsession to drink away from me.
I understand fully that it has not become more difficult because the disease remains the same, but time and hindsight create such a different picture in my memory’s eye. It appears to have changed dramatically; I attribute this change of course to my involvement in the program, which has increased a thousand fold from where it once it was lending me a brand new set of eyes with which to look upon the process and program as a whole.
This feeling and thinking is what spawned the more focused idea of developing the treatment program I had been working on for some time and putting it into a workable framework to deliver service to those, who may not otherwise be able to afford treatment of any kind. I tried to put into perspective the basics of recovery that can help simplify an obviously difficult process as much as possible.
I am not an expert and I am definitely not alone, but this disease requires many different approaches delivered by many different types of services and people in order to be successful.
With such low rates of recovery in every form of treatment, we have to continue to evolve programming and service delivery; by the grace of God we will be able to contribute something to the whole picture of treating alcoholism and addiction and maybe our children’s children will find that perfect way with which to do it all.
On top of this, I am entering the process to become a lay minister at Central United Church and as excited as I am, the nerves sometimes get the better of me and I want to turn tail and run away…even though it has been a childhood dream of mine to work in such a capacity, which of course is why I won’t run…
This is the time for dreams.
This is the someday we spoke of when sitting idle and drunk.
I learned so much this past year, it may take me all of 2012 to figure out exactly what those lessons are, but I will finish by saying this…
God has a plan and I have no idea what it is until He reveals it, one day at a time and sometimes one moment leading subtly into the next… and even then, I am often unaware of what exactly I am to do until the moment passes. It was fitting that on the first day of 2012, I heard what God’s will for me actually is; Rejoice, pray without ceasing, and be grateful… pretty simple, thank you God.
By Your grace we go…
Welcome to 2012; may you all be blessed to find the peace, the love, the passion, or whatever else you might be searching for…
Thank you,
David Wayne Lewry
As difficult as it is to put an entire year in perspective, “wow” would say a lot, but that would not even begin to summarize the year of my life in which faith became a living, breathing action word as some things were completely turned upside down.
I learned a bit more of what “faith without works” actually means and it was not taught to me by some educator, but by those who I am blessed to serve as a messenger and hopefully a support.
The men and women who began their new journey this past year to change their lives one day at a time, by the grace of God, after life-times of self-destructive and self-loathing abuse… men and women just like me. They are the ones, who brought me through the fog, while they believed whole heartedly I was bringing them.
This year in theirs and my own recovery journey has been a constant reminder that without works, faith cannot truly exist aside from lip service and private dreaming, which would more than likely lead me back out to the place where suicide was the reasonable solution to all of my problems…by God’s grace I go and by His grace I stay.
Neither I nor the year were perfect, matter of fact, the “I” involved was far from it even though the year dished out some beautiful moments of God’s power and love for my fellows and even me. The truth of the matter is this year brought challenge after challenge, but I witnessed and experienced those same challenges quickly turn into opportunities with every moment sunk into prayer.
If I was to say, “I lived off of prayer all year,” that would be an understatement; everything good in my life is of and because of a growing ability to let go and let God at every possible opportunity. This process was taught to me through time and God’s many messengers working everyday; often without their knowledge of what I was taking from them.
Please don’t leave before the miracle happens… we never know when, only that it is. Whatever it is…
I am grateful for each and every one of my fellows, whether male or female, who found the compassion for me to spend the time and lend their wisdom, strength and hope. Their help was one of the many blessings I received in order to remain sober and work towards where I fully believe God wanted me to be.
Exactly where I am.
I also learned that just because some people have time in sobriety, they are not necessarily healthier than someone who is brand new and in certain cases the time acquired simply turns some back into bullies, bastards, cheats, thieves, and liars just as though they were still using and drinking.
This is not a judgment, it is an observation and I state it here because watching these individuals’ flounder has taught me; living this kind of sobriety is not what I imagined or want and to pass along that it doesn’t have to be for anyone.
If you are new, take the time to get to know people by sticking around and find those people who have time but also have something intangible which time does not always bring to a person. And to the best of your ability keep people off of any pedestal; it can be traumatic for us when we realize no one deserves nor can live up to the images we have in our heads…
I repeatedly experienced this from start to finish of 2011 and by God’s grace I won’t continue along this trend. Realism is key and it is never realistic to hold a human being amongst the saints or the divine; they can only fail and when they do some of us decide that everything is a lie and no longer worth staying sober for.
The truth is much easier; we are all human beings and all fallible by nature, birth, and experience. To me, reality never seemed so sweet; acknowledging that like me, they too have their burdens to carry and like me, cannot attain that divine status our ego proposes is possible.
I interject this observation because I like to remind myself of what I do not want to become and remind myself as to the how I can avoid becoming it. This process is all about repetition and recognition through it and if I am the only person who reads this missive, then that is perhaps one more day I can keep in sobriety and one more thing I can carry forward in order to change just a little at a time.
I pray for all of my fellows, whether struggling or not, friend or foe, healthy or otherwise because we all find ourselves dangling by a string at different points along the route; sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. However, there is no doubt in my mind that there are many people in our situation who do not treat others as though they are simply present to further their own causes and line their pockets.
We all have the capacity to become the whole person we were meant to be, but we get there one step at time, one decision after another to the best of our abilities. Often we find that the most honest decisions have the highest price…buy the ticket; take the ride…the reward is something however that cannot be counted.
There is no other way to get better but to do better each and every day, realizing that stumbling and fumbling is a part of the process…we can recover if we have the capacity to be honest…and that honesty begins with honesty to self…
There is no way for perfection to be a part of our present or future, but I know that I can certainly do better than I did when I was drinking and consuming drugs everyday…by the grace of God I go for like many have said, if I am not moving forward, I am subtly moving backwards into my addictive cycle; as an alcoholic and addict stagnation breeds regression, which personally, I cannot afford.
I digress… subtly.
As the year wound down, a new direction took shape inside of me; I say new, but honestly, it had been percolating in the back of my mind since I was a boy. The same, which I had been dreaming of while at the same time avoiding whole heartedly for three main reasons: a serious lack in faith that indeed God would provide or think me worthy, a lack of faith in my own ability and a more often than not an unreasonable fear that the “who I was” happened to be much too far out for the church environment.
Through continued and increased prayer however, faith slowly and steadily increased and God brought me forward, more often than not kicking and screaming in silent resistance to what I did not know was waiting for me around this last corner… until finally, the wall broke and I gave in to everything that seemed to be happening according to a will outside of my own.
I was scared, but the alternative seemed like insanity…hit head against the wall, bleed, pause, and repeat process as though I could not remember what happened the last time I hit my head against that wall…concussions will do that to a person.
Tired and filled with sorrow from fighting a losing battle over the change that had solidified in the non-for profit atmosphere, I cashed out my chips and struck out alone into private practice. The fifteen years in the field prior prepared me for something and I was about to find out exactly what it was.
It was a leap of faith like none other I had ever experienced; I had the support of friends and family and an unflinching faith that God was directing me. It felt like I had finally taken the side seat in order to allow for things to progress the way God intended…to the best of my ability. I can honestly say that to this point, even the little doubts which have tried to creep into my consciousness could not dissuade me from the path I find myself now on.
But God did not leave me alone for this leap; it was not of me that I found the strength to do it… it was God given through yet more people, who provide me with love and support daily…
All of my friends were huge supports; Dominic, Dominic’s wife Jill, Eryn, Janice, and so many others that given several weeks, I could not take enough time or find enough words to list and thank them all.
I have to mention Tara and Natasha specifically, as they often struck me as the voice of God with their constant supportive messages the closer I got to the departure date from the safe and secure world of being “gainfully employed” by agencies I could no longer fully believe in out of long held principles and a deep passion.
It was Tara and Natasha, who finally spearheaded my decision and both were like singing angels for the voice of my Higher Power when I needed something tangible to convince me that I was in fact making a reasonable choice.
Finally I listened.
Thank you both very much.
My parents were and remain paramount in continuing to re-enforce my faith, whether they were aware or not - they are imperative in my continued trust in the process. Theirs is an unflinching belief that what is happening is right and true and in their belief, I find some of my own mixed in.
In those moments finishing the year when doubt began to creep in, there was always a kind word or some kind of positive news delivered to me at exactly the right time…and I do not believe in coincidences.
I believe in miracles and I believe in God’s timing not my own.
Of the many blessings and lessons, which God brought into my life this past year, the one thing that really sticks is just how difficult it is to get and keep sober time for the large majority of people who attempt it.
I remember how hard it was for me early on and how difficult it can be to this day in certain moments when the world shifts just a bit behind my eyes; for some reason the extent of the difficulty had faded away until I began working daily with new comers. These men and women refueled my memory and pushed me forward never wanting to return to a state of such excited anxiety, if there is anything I can do about that, I am going to continue trying.
By God’s grace I have not had to drink or use since August 22, 2004, but so many have not had this experience; it appears much more difficult today than when I walked into the Garnett and stopped when God took my obsession to drink away from me.
I understand fully that it has not become more difficult because the disease remains the same, but time and hindsight create such a different picture in my memory’s eye. It appears to have changed dramatically; I attribute this change of course to my involvement in the program, which has increased a thousand fold from where it once it was lending me a brand new set of eyes with which to look upon the process and program as a whole.
This feeling and thinking is what spawned the more focused idea of developing the treatment program I had been working on for some time and putting it into a workable framework to deliver service to those, who may not otherwise be able to afford treatment of any kind. I tried to put into perspective the basics of recovery that can help simplify an obviously difficult process as much as possible.
I am not an expert and I am definitely not alone, but this disease requires many different approaches delivered by many different types of services and people in order to be successful.
With such low rates of recovery in every form of treatment, we have to continue to evolve programming and service delivery; by the grace of God we will be able to contribute something to the whole picture of treating alcoholism and addiction and maybe our children’s children will find that perfect way with which to do it all.
On top of this, I am entering the process to become a lay minister at Central United Church and as excited as I am, the nerves sometimes get the better of me and I want to turn tail and run away…even though it has been a childhood dream of mine to work in such a capacity, which of course is why I won’t run…
This is the time for dreams.
This is the someday we spoke of when sitting idle and drunk.
I learned so much this past year, it may take me all of 2012 to figure out exactly what those lessons are, but I will finish by saying this…
God has a plan and I have no idea what it is until He reveals it, one day at a time and sometimes one moment leading subtly into the next… and even then, I am often unaware of what exactly I am to do until the moment passes. It was fitting that on the first day of 2012, I heard what God’s will for me actually is; Rejoice, pray without ceasing, and be grateful… pretty simple, thank you God.
By Your grace we go…
Welcome to 2012; may you all be blessed to find the peace, the love, the passion, or whatever else you might be searching for…
Thank you,
David Wayne Lewry