It is a tragedy that it takes a tragedy to wake me up to some pretty constant and persistent facts. I guess it makes logical sense that in the everyday we may take for granted how important it really is for us to be the whole of who we are and as uncomfortable as it may be, not hide from ourselves despite the fear of others.
In my early years, I was, without a doubt, unable to come to terms with some pretty lofty truths about myself. These were the years when I first knew there was something quite different about me from those dudes I hung around with whether in my teens or early twenties.
As much as I craved the attention of girls, I found myself attracted to men as well.
I did not know any homosexuals at my school nor did I ask around about those things. Whether it was true or imagined, I could not “out myself” by even asking such questions. Instead, I buried my head into drugs and alcohol, playing football and chasing girls.
Otherwise filling all of my moments with things that created a reality of a heterosexual male.
Because I genuinely liked girls, it was no stretch to have a girlfriend and make like that was all there was to me. I honestly did not know how to bring my two halves together. Shit, I have struggled with it throughout my adulthood, so obviously as a teenager I would be baffled by the conundrum I found myself in.
How I coped was I found male companionship the way I learned as a child from the abuse I suffered. I wandered public washrooms in malls and parks until I found what I was looking for. What I remembered.
Hence it was my deep dark secret and it would remain such until I was in my early twenties and beyond when I felt afraid.
By the time I came out to my family - assuming I must be gay because I liked men too, despite my very real love for women - I had turned my attraction to men into the most feared part of my personality. The part of me that was darkness, hate, ugliness, and not to be brought into the light. It was the part of me I could never reconcile or accept.
It was no wonder that when I did come out to friends and family, it took no time at all for me to wish to be back in the closet and accepted once again for being what I thought of as normal.
I certainly was not doing myself any favors.
If you had asked me however, I would have said things like, “oh, I tried it, I don’t belong there…” always leaving out that I did not belong solely with women either and I knew that fact long before I was able to accept it.
But I insisted on trying to force one relationship after another with women because at least this was acceptable. However, being an aging bisexual man seemed incomprehensible and impossible to me.
I could not conceive it therefore it was inconceivable…
Why was it so difficult when the world was accepting homosexuality more and more…well some people did, but bigotry and ignorance were ever present when the subject was raised and people assumed no one around fell into the category of homosexuality or any category other than straight.
I blame myself of course.
For my cowardice in those formative and later years even though I knew nothing else but cowardice through my own reinforced ignorance until I knew better.
I surrounded myself with ideas that it had to be one way and one way only. Even in my sobriety where I accepted others for whatever and whoever they happened to be. I still found myself less than agreeable and for several years locked back in the box, which was far too small to hold me as I grew.
I worried if I would be helpful and useful to others if I accepted myself and expressed myself as who I actually was. I cut myself off at the knees while expecting me to run in marathons.
I set up impossible standards for myself which would soon break because no matter how hard I tried to re-force myself into the mold I thought the world wanted me to be, I could not.
And suicide was an answer.
A viable solution to an unsolvable problem.
But that would not take.
I would not be denied if I was to remain alive, let alone sober.
And I wanted those things on most days with the fervent desire of a thirsty man wanting water.
It was no longer a secret that I was bisexual, well at least it wasn’t in the books I wrote or intimate conversations that I had with others, who I trusted. However, I allowed people to assume and I never corrected them or told them my truth when it seemed appropriate to do so.
In some of those cases, I did not speak my truth because of fear of persecution and rejection.
In light of the mass murder of individuals in a gay nightclub in Orlando, Florida, I simply cannot accept my own passive denial any longer. Hence I am writing this, not because this tragedy is mine or that I want to somehow interject myself into the time and place of those who have been murdered or their families and friends who mourn their loss this very minute.
But because right now, there are thousands, perhaps millions of people, young and old, maybe like myself once upon a time who are contemplating suicide, suffering from depression, or otherwise feeling the effects of not being able to reveal their true selves to the ones they love and to the world as they see it.
For fear of persecution, they may continue to suffer in silence. My hope is that if even one person reads this, they may reach out for help and comfort. You are not alone. Trust me, you are not.
I can only speak of my life and I would never begin to tell others what or how they should proceed along their pathways. I know that when I look back to those desperate moments, hours, and days, that I see two things motivating my darkness in those days.
First I remember being confused and scared about being homosexual and bisexual. Within these two words lived vast universes of meaning and purpose, they were not mere words when I fell silent, they were entire identities.
I remember that within the confusion, I felt there was no possible way to have a happy life needing both men and women. Not only to be satisfied in my life, but to be in line with God as well.
I doubted whether God would accept me and wondered how I could possibly reconcile my faith with my sexuality…that darkness lasted for years and through it I saw the depths of my clinical depression raise to and beyond the surface of my consciousness.
I found a bottom I did not know existed. It was far below where I had reached because of alcohol and drugs; it was an entirely brand new universe of darkness and despair and I found it completely sober and clean of narcotics.
I imagined God hated me for who I was and in that hate I believed my depression was the consequence of being such a despicable human being. I do not even remember where I got those religious ideas that held me back.
Keeping in mind that I don’t remember my parents telling me the lies and I don’t remember listening to the bullshit in church. All I know is, I heard it somewhere and considering I spent the majority of my young life going to church every Sunday, I can only assume those ideas began within those old structures of belief.
Now, I do not believe that all of the people I have encountered in my life time meant to reinforce this idea or these beliefs. I know for a fact that a lot of the people I have encountered honestly believed their ideas to be correct and open in most cases.
The truth is however, these things were reinforced and solidified with each passing year I spent growing as a male member of the human race.
Some are probably thinking, well it is your own fault for following the ideas and beliefs of the majority…you are right. It is my responsibility and I take it, fully. The truth is, as well; we live today and I was raised in a world where lip service is paid to being “different” and “standing out”.
Where we want you to be different so long as it looks like something we can understand, comprehend and it remains something we can control by monetizing it or otherwise exploiting it for financial or some kind of gain.
The ugly truth is that there are people, of all walks of life, who simply refuse to set their ignorance and rigid beliefs aside and let other people live however they see fit to live when they are not harming other human beings.
There are people; some Christian, some Muslim, others Buddhist or Hindu, and even others who carry no religious affiliation whatsoever except rigid intolerance, who will, wrapped in their own mixed up ideas about life and how it should be lived, seek to cause harm and even kill in the name of their ideologies.
Knowing this as we do…
Is it any small wonder people stay hidden and treat their humanness like deep dark secrets they cannot reveal because it is maybe different from the majority? Do you wonder why children, youth, and adults of all gender and description find themselves staring down the barrel of a gun they often hold themselves.
I know that as long as there is hatred of any kind, people will choose to hide because of fear. My hope is that, one day, one person at a time, we can make the hatred disappear by simply being ourselves in everything we do.
I believe in the saying that we must be the change we wish to see in the world…
so I am starting it off as best I can.
I know that I had to create a new idea of God. I had to escape the old ideologies because they simply do not fit reality. Some will say then that I am no Christian. I will say to these, “if Christianity or any other faith requires me to hate or persecute human beings, I am happy not to be counted amongst them…and I will be happy to let any God sort me amongst those who refused to further spread hatred and violence…”
In that truth, I feel free. In the evidence that if I was in fact created by God, as I believe, then I was created to be the bisexual man that I am. Whether events shaped me along the course of my life or I was born exactly the way I find myself today, I find great comfort that I am exactly who I was meant to be or I would not be here at all.
And if you are a human being, trying to live as best you can like the majority of your fellows, perhaps you too are exactly who you are supposed to be.
In my early years, I was, without a doubt, unable to come to terms with some pretty lofty truths about myself. These were the years when I first knew there was something quite different about me from those dudes I hung around with whether in my teens or early twenties.
As much as I craved the attention of girls, I found myself attracted to men as well.
I did not know any homosexuals at my school nor did I ask around about those things. Whether it was true or imagined, I could not “out myself” by even asking such questions. Instead, I buried my head into drugs and alcohol, playing football and chasing girls.
Otherwise filling all of my moments with things that created a reality of a heterosexual male.
Because I genuinely liked girls, it was no stretch to have a girlfriend and make like that was all there was to me. I honestly did not know how to bring my two halves together. Shit, I have struggled with it throughout my adulthood, so obviously as a teenager I would be baffled by the conundrum I found myself in.
How I coped was I found male companionship the way I learned as a child from the abuse I suffered. I wandered public washrooms in malls and parks until I found what I was looking for. What I remembered.
Hence it was my deep dark secret and it would remain such until I was in my early twenties and beyond when I felt afraid.
By the time I came out to my family - assuming I must be gay because I liked men too, despite my very real love for women - I had turned my attraction to men into the most feared part of my personality. The part of me that was darkness, hate, ugliness, and not to be brought into the light. It was the part of me I could never reconcile or accept.
It was no wonder that when I did come out to friends and family, it took no time at all for me to wish to be back in the closet and accepted once again for being what I thought of as normal.
I certainly was not doing myself any favors.
If you had asked me however, I would have said things like, “oh, I tried it, I don’t belong there…” always leaving out that I did not belong solely with women either and I knew that fact long before I was able to accept it.
But I insisted on trying to force one relationship after another with women because at least this was acceptable. However, being an aging bisexual man seemed incomprehensible and impossible to me.
I could not conceive it therefore it was inconceivable…
Why was it so difficult when the world was accepting homosexuality more and more…well some people did, but bigotry and ignorance were ever present when the subject was raised and people assumed no one around fell into the category of homosexuality or any category other than straight.
I blame myself of course.
For my cowardice in those formative and later years even though I knew nothing else but cowardice through my own reinforced ignorance until I knew better.
I surrounded myself with ideas that it had to be one way and one way only. Even in my sobriety where I accepted others for whatever and whoever they happened to be. I still found myself less than agreeable and for several years locked back in the box, which was far too small to hold me as I grew.
I worried if I would be helpful and useful to others if I accepted myself and expressed myself as who I actually was. I cut myself off at the knees while expecting me to run in marathons.
I set up impossible standards for myself which would soon break because no matter how hard I tried to re-force myself into the mold I thought the world wanted me to be, I could not.
And suicide was an answer.
A viable solution to an unsolvable problem.
But that would not take.
I would not be denied if I was to remain alive, let alone sober.
And I wanted those things on most days with the fervent desire of a thirsty man wanting water.
It was no longer a secret that I was bisexual, well at least it wasn’t in the books I wrote or intimate conversations that I had with others, who I trusted. However, I allowed people to assume and I never corrected them or told them my truth when it seemed appropriate to do so.
In some of those cases, I did not speak my truth because of fear of persecution and rejection.
In light of the mass murder of individuals in a gay nightclub in Orlando, Florida, I simply cannot accept my own passive denial any longer. Hence I am writing this, not because this tragedy is mine or that I want to somehow interject myself into the time and place of those who have been murdered or their families and friends who mourn their loss this very minute.
But because right now, there are thousands, perhaps millions of people, young and old, maybe like myself once upon a time who are contemplating suicide, suffering from depression, or otherwise feeling the effects of not being able to reveal their true selves to the ones they love and to the world as they see it.
For fear of persecution, they may continue to suffer in silence. My hope is that if even one person reads this, they may reach out for help and comfort. You are not alone. Trust me, you are not.
I can only speak of my life and I would never begin to tell others what or how they should proceed along their pathways. I know that when I look back to those desperate moments, hours, and days, that I see two things motivating my darkness in those days.
First I remember being confused and scared about being homosexual and bisexual. Within these two words lived vast universes of meaning and purpose, they were not mere words when I fell silent, they were entire identities.
I remember that within the confusion, I felt there was no possible way to have a happy life needing both men and women. Not only to be satisfied in my life, but to be in line with God as well.
I doubted whether God would accept me and wondered how I could possibly reconcile my faith with my sexuality…that darkness lasted for years and through it I saw the depths of my clinical depression raise to and beyond the surface of my consciousness.
I found a bottom I did not know existed. It was far below where I had reached because of alcohol and drugs; it was an entirely brand new universe of darkness and despair and I found it completely sober and clean of narcotics.
I imagined God hated me for who I was and in that hate I believed my depression was the consequence of being such a despicable human being. I do not even remember where I got those religious ideas that held me back.
Keeping in mind that I don’t remember my parents telling me the lies and I don’t remember listening to the bullshit in church. All I know is, I heard it somewhere and considering I spent the majority of my young life going to church every Sunday, I can only assume those ideas began within those old structures of belief.
Now, I do not believe that all of the people I have encountered in my life time meant to reinforce this idea or these beliefs. I know for a fact that a lot of the people I have encountered honestly believed their ideas to be correct and open in most cases.
The truth is however, these things were reinforced and solidified with each passing year I spent growing as a male member of the human race.
Some are probably thinking, well it is your own fault for following the ideas and beliefs of the majority…you are right. It is my responsibility and I take it, fully. The truth is, as well; we live today and I was raised in a world where lip service is paid to being “different” and “standing out”.
Where we want you to be different so long as it looks like something we can understand, comprehend and it remains something we can control by monetizing it or otherwise exploiting it for financial or some kind of gain.
The ugly truth is that there are people, of all walks of life, who simply refuse to set their ignorance and rigid beliefs aside and let other people live however they see fit to live when they are not harming other human beings.
There are people; some Christian, some Muslim, others Buddhist or Hindu, and even others who carry no religious affiliation whatsoever except rigid intolerance, who will, wrapped in their own mixed up ideas about life and how it should be lived, seek to cause harm and even kill in the name of their ideologies.
Knowing this as we do…
Is it any small wonder people stay hidden and treat their humanness like deep dark secrets they cannot reveal because it is maybe different from the majority? Do you wonder why children, youth, and adults of all gender and description find themselves staring down the barrel of a gun they often hold themselves.
I know that as long as there is hatred of any kind, people will choose to hide because of fear. My hope is that, one day, one person at a time, we can make the hatred disappear by simply being ourselves in everything we do.
I believe in the saying that we must be the change we wish to see in the world…
so I am starting it off as best I can.
I know that I had to create a new idea of God. I had to escape the old ideologies because they simply do not fit reality. Some will say then that I am no Christian. I will say to these, “if Christianity or any other faith requires me to hate or persecute human beings, I am happy not to be counted amongst them…and I will be happy to let any God sort me amongst those who refused to further spread hatred and violence…”
In that truth, I feel free. In the evidence that if I was in fact created by God, as I believe, then I was created to be the bisexual man that I am. Whether events shaped me along the course of my life or I was born exactly the way I find myself today, I find great comfort that I am exactly who I was meant to be or I would not be here at all.
And if you are a human being, trying to live as best you can like the majority of your fellows, perhaps you too are exactly who you are supposed to be.