Wow… I can hardly believe it. I roll the
words around on my tongue when I am alone and sitting quietly listening to the
river flow by and it seems like a dream… “9 years, 9 freaking years… by the
grace of God indeed.”
For some reason it seems impossible that so
much time has passed and so little in the same breath. It feels like I have
lived a whole new life in that short spittle of time…probably because in some
ways I have in so many ways.
I try and look in the mirror today… there
was a time when I might glance at the reflection and look straight through it
for fear of what I might see, what I might recognize or how it would make me
feel to see anything at all.
Today the looks are brief and seemingly
more objective; I am getting hair where no hair existed before, my eyes are a
bit heavier in my skull, and my skin looks a bit tougher than I
remember.
I still do not like to take too long a look
however, but today I notice the absence of fear and the presence of recognition
and acceptance. Something I rarely if ever grasped in days long passed. There
just seems to be less reason to check things out these days and more reason to
smile, nod, and give thanks that everything seems to be in working order.
I am extremely grateful for that
fact…
Grateful for much that once never occurred
to me as a blessing, but in my selfish ways struck me as a right or
entitlement…how things have changed…how God has changed
everything.
I remember the discomfort I felt in every
situation when I first stepped into this new world; the alcohol and drugs
leaving my system in those early days left an impression that I hope lasts me a
lifetime. I recall feeling like my skin was burning, freezing, and tearing
sometimes all in the same instant, the sweat soaking my mattress as I detoxed a
little more every day, the frantic pace of my thoughts, and constant swift,
shifting of emotions as the physical detox pressed on through the mental and
psychological…and then I remember it getting worse once the physical symptoms
fully subsided.
I kept thinking, it should be better now,
it should be much better… finding some semblance of serenity in the fact that at
least I wasn’t sweating constantly and freezing all at once while manically
thinking of depressed emotions. While being bombarded with those wicked memories
and nightmares.
There were tiny victories in those early
days and I held on to each like a drowning man grabs for the life boat even
though he is only able to hold on for minutes, sometimes seconds at a time
because fatigue is real and the grip just fails. You hold on just long enough to
take a breath before being pulled under once more, breathing shorter and shorter
with each passing moment…or so it
seemed.
The voices freaked me out, but no more than
the night terrors, which lasted well into the second year. Of course they
lessoned in frequency as time wore on, but I never got used to them. Each time
they came it was like the first time all over again and I was paralyzed with
fear, guilt and regret.
Why guilt and regret you may be asking?
Well in my case with each night terror came
the flooding of memories from years and deeds gone by. At times the vividness of
these memories caused me to wake and question whether I had consumed again and
had been involved in the behaviors earlier that night.
Whether those men who took my childhood
away were lingering in the kitchen or the other room, hiding and waiting until I
was vulnerable again…in the beginning everything rushed upon me like it wasn’t
20 years ago, but 20 seconds…
Thank God for being able to retrace my
steps with a relatively clear mind after a few long, dragging moments of
terrifying panic and muttered cursing. Then cleaning up the sweat and laying a
towel down on top of the sheets…
After speaking initially to a doctor about
the symptoms I was experiencing, it was suggested I consider medication. I
considered it of course because I was almost certain that I had developed some
type of severe mental illness from the years of drug and alcohol abuse in
combination with whatever trauma I had suffered early as a child.
Thank God again for the dark and dingy
anonymous meeting rooms I was able to attend where I was able to listen and hear
people who told similar versions of my story. I may have jumped on the
medication train as fast as I could and ridden it for as long as I was allowed
otherwise.
Of course I did not drink the Cool Aid
immediately upon walking through those doors so of course I suffered accordingly
for my constant internal resistance and disobedience to the kind suggestions
provided to me free of charge.
I learned quickly in these rooms to keep
quiet and listen unless you were relatively certain that you knew something
helpful if not altogether true. Besides I had no information to give people who
had remained sober using this method for years counting into the 40’s.
My initial sharing consisted of short
blurts about the obvious struggles I had which related to other people’s but not
much more and certainly not about the proper way to work their program because I
was not doing much of a job in my own
life.
I heard that if I did not drink or use
between meeting attendance that I would not get drunk or high… I hung on to that
simple yet profound statement as though it was the only truth I had ever heard.
Honestly up until that point it was the only truth I had ever heard about the
problem I was facing.
I made so many mistakes in the early years
I cannot even recall all of them with accuracy in such a short missive, suffice
to say that a good deal of my behaviors ceased once the chemicals were gone…not
because I was a better person all of a sudden, but because they simply no longer
made any sense.
There was a suggestion to avoid
relationships (opposite or same sex romantic) for the first year; I did not
listen and in fact I am not even certain my brain actually allowed me to hear
that one. They suggested not to make any major life changes in the first year;
new jobs, new house, major moves, et cetera. I ignored or conveniently forgot
that one as well.
And I suffered the consequences of not
listening to my elders in those moments; those which I suddenly began to realize
were the same consequences I would always receive if I continued to live a life
based on selfishness and devoid of
patience.
The poor decisions did not cause me to
drink or use drugs; they did not cause me instantly to lose my family,
apartment, car, career, or my physical health. What they caused was the
extension of emotional, spiritual, and mental anguish beyond what I could safely
express in many given moments.
That was life lived the way I always had
before I sobered up…only now there was no numbing agent. That is what I was
experiencing every time I swallowed or smoked something to calm my nerves; I did
not outwardly show or internally comprehend what was happening exactly because I
had gotten into the habit of numbing so it never seemed strange or out of
place.
Ignorance was blissful…for a time.
The early years in recovery taught me that in fact I had no concept whatever of what hell I had been putting myself through on any level.
I was cognizant of behaviors and some
surface thoughts, but I was unaware of the intricate nature of the spider web my
subconscious mind had created in order to keep me in the dark.
In order to follow my disease to its
natural end…which of course is death.
…and deeply unaware of how powerful my ego
had become…capable of creating reasoning and excuses that my own mind could not
unravel by the time I sobered up.
Between my third and fourth years of
sobriety, having resisted and fought the majority of time and concepts, I found
myself sitting all alone in a room contemplating what many have described as
“The bottle, the bullet, or the book...”
In the spans of those short but self-made
difficult years, I had behaved on the one hand much differently than the person
I knew as David. On the other hand my behavior regarding sex and selfishness had
escalated to such a degree that I wondered how sober I really was.
…The bottle, the bullet, or the book…
Now, I truly believe everything happens for
a reason so today I look back with no regrets, but trust me when I say, “there
must have been an easier way from the start…and I am sure it has everything to
do with being thorough.”
The amazing gifts of living purely in the
self are many; a handsome dose of self-pity mixed with an angry arrogance, a
constant fluctuation from mania to depression, the repetitive state of
instability and the list goes on… this has been my experience at any
rate.
Stability was a pipe dream.
Serenity, a word scribbled in books and on walls in basements all over the planet.
Definitely not something I imagined to be true…despite people’s claims to the contrary…
So I sat one night, on the ledge of the terrible hole I had dug and contemplated which direction to go… the bottle, the bullet or the gun… and for the first time in a long while I asked for help. It
was not the kind of asking a sane person might do, it was the type us desperate
sorts blurt out amidst terrible weeping, wracked with guilt to a power we barely
believe in let alone understand.
Come to think of it, it was not so much
asking as it was throwing myself at the mercy of this God entity, or at the
time, empty space, crying, “I cannot go on like this, what am I supposed to do?”
Eyes closed tightly, the images of suicide and taking a drink flashing through
my mind…the words repeating, bouncing off the walls of my mind…”what am I
supposed to do?”
Somehow I fell asleep and when I woke, I
proceeded to go to a meeting for the first time in weeks, maybe months. Someone
had heard my begging through the darkness and betrayal of my own thoughts;
something managing the light at the end of the tunnel.
For the first time I really felt the
connection to something much larger than myself for longer than a few seconds.
Obviously it is difficult to explain the sensation beyond knowing deep inside
your being that everything was under control and that in fact everything would
be ok…
I felt better than I had in months even though feeling better meant feeling like a
smaller bag of shit might. I re-entered the process with what felt like a new chance.
I knew I had to start doing the work as it was laid out and although that meant I
would have to straighten out the mess I made, I set out later that day to begin with a
colleague of mine.
What I had paid lip service towards needed
to be done now. The old fear of dying if I went back out did not have the same
power over me it seemed and I needed something beyond fear to keep me sober. I
knew instinctively a drink meant death, but there was that sad part of me which
did not care.
As the days passed into weeks, it was amazing what started to happen…change.
I no longer felt ok about my dishonesty or my selfishness. The rationalization for it had
evaporated by working through the prescribed solution. My eyes, which I had thought
were completely open, actually began to open for the first time.
I did not feel fantastic, I felt relief and
that was good enough. I felt like I had to live, like I wanted to live more than
anything and that if I was to live it would have to be on terms other than my
own.
My life was not instantly perfect nor has
it become so, but at that point any change which caused me to start looking upon
the world with hope and a small semblance of faith was monumental.
Even this minute psychic change led me to be repulsed by the idea of both suicide and
relapse.
Thank you God.
I was woefully, or so I thought, unaware as
to what God was or how the whole thing worked, but I knew then there was
something far greater than I at work in the universe. Far beyond my intellect,
this force moved in a soft voice, watching in hopes that we might reach our
individual potentials like a loving parent might with their children.
This knowledge washed over me as the wind
brushed my cheeks, the river flowed before me, and off in the distance to the
west, I saw the beautiful Rocky Mountains standing tall, clear as day.
Shortly after my fourth sober birthday, the
light started finding cracks upon cracks to seep into my consciousness… although
some changes began to take shape rapidly, the wholesale changes to certain
behaviors did not start immediately. I found myself floundering more often than
not some days, but what had taken shape was a desire to be accountable to my
fellow human beings and with that came a sense of responsibility for my
actions.
I cannot fully express the impact this all
had on me, but to say that the world started to make more sense and not cause me
to constantly fight or find a way out would be simplistic yet somewhat
accurate.
Then towards the middle of that fourth year
an elder looked at me one morning and said, “rule 62 Davey…” I stared at him,
laughed because I had no idea what he was talking about and thought maybe he was
just making shit up to make me laugh for a
change…
“What’s rule 62,” I asked.
“Don’t take yourself too damn seriously,
buddy,” he smiled and laughed, “you’re wound so tight you’re about to blow up…”
he said with a grin and a chuckle.
Although I was unsure what the hell he
found so funny, I laughed, thought about a response as several ran through my
head and said, “You know what, you’re absolutely right man, I do need to lighten
the fuck up…”
He smiled and nodded, “you’ll have a much
easier time if you do…”
That was another light bulb.
God, speaking through people moments and I
started down a path of learning how to lighten up. I figured if there was a God,
and I was pretty certain there was, He probably would not mind if I lightened up
a bit…
I thought about it quite a lot… then I
sought some advice and was told that letting go and letting God would help with
this lightening up business…so I sought advice on how to do that…the answer was
simple.
Learn to pray more.
Learn to serve more.
I would learn to worry less.
And I will let go as a by-product of these things.
So I did. I turned what was daily prayer
into several times a day prayer and avoiding service work into being open and
willing to do whatever I could for others struggling with my illness. The
results were many, but the most obvious one to me was the softening of my heart
by God towards self and others.
Which of course meant I was starting to lighten up…
I was told when someone upsets you, as
people sometimes do, to pray for them and continue praying until the poison of
bitterness and resentment is no longer present. I began trying it with zeal; I
was tired by the constant running of vengeance and revenge in my head every time
someone disagreed with me or said something negative about me.
Son of a bitch!
It started to work!
I started to experience less and less
mental anguish about things I could neither control nor change. It was as though
my body, mind and spirit started to enter the flow and the resistance was
slipping away.
What a relief…
As I have said, I was desperate enough to
do almost anything and everything that was suggested to me in order to live.
Hence my previous “not interested…or no thank you…” became “absolutely and sure
will…”
The simple act of becoming open and willing
seemed to make the world and my connection to it wide open, liberating and vast
versus the old closed and imprisoning one I had come to know…there was a freedom
I had never felt at any point in my previous life.
Thank you God.
It was not as though I had constructed the
previous world without reason; like many others in my situation; being closed
off from people, life, and reality somehow felt safer after all that had
happened and all that I had done in reaction to it. The larger the issue, the
larger the wall I had built and the more time and effort with God it would take
to smash through the granite and metal…
But of course some of those circumstances
leave a lingering and often hidden pattern of behavior, thought, and emotion
long after they have passed. In some cases, long after they have been faced and
allegedly dealt with.
There is something to be said about
engaging in this process for the long haul not the short term. Of course some
things can be addressed, dealt with, and moved from much easier than others.
The trick of course is letting time show us
which ones are which.
I say this is tricky because most of us
find ourselves in quite the hurry to be better all at once upon recognition of
the alleged issue…unfortunately this is not the general case, at least for
myself and those I have been blessed to encounter along the path. It is much
more common for us to whittle away at things while the master sculpture does His
thing…
One of the amazing things about this
process has been watching as it works even if a person does not believe in
anything resembling a higher power. If their higher power becomes the process,
change is imminent.
The scariest thing is to watch an outright
belligerent denial of anything and everything that is contrary to what I want to
believe…not only can I relate to the pain and anger this leaves in us, but I can
see the increased desire to escape these feelings as time wears
on.
It was not the lack of belief which pushed
me away; it was essentially the lack of willingness and an open mind. For when
my mind closes, I become angry towards anything and everything not in agreement
with my own views and ideas.
When I am angry I am more selfish than in
any other emotional state… and selfishness is what brought me back to the brink.
Selflessness is essentially what pulled me from the fire. And honestly it was
not my own selflessness either…
It was that, which was held so honestly by
others; those who gave and gave of themselves and in most cases they did not
even recognize they were giving. They simply did what selfless people do and
kept being there giving. They walked me through the darkness with their presence
and quiet, helpful wisdom.
I am forever grateful to each of them;
there is no doubt in my mind that without their kind, tolerance of me I would
not be sitting here typing this now.
From this dark moment I started to see just
how often God had done all of the walking, carrying me on His shoulders. That in
fact He had done this when I was in my deepest denial of Him in my mind yet all
the while holding Him secretly and tightly in my heart. For as much as I argued
and denied His presence, power, and concern intellectually, there was always a
sense that something was beyond my ability to
see.
I not only fought with this internal,
seemingly innate spiritual wisdom but I cherished the idea of creating the world
around me as I saw fit by drinking and using according to my imagined
fantastical ideas. Early on I continued to think I could construct the world
around me just as before, despite al of the evidence to the
contrary…
…but slowly then, as the dark began to lift
I recognized there was no further argument. My attempts at control,
manipulation, and bargaining were useless against the wisdom which had always
existed.
There was indeed a God and I was indeed not Him…
I would love to tell you that with this
internal awareness came a wonderful description of what God was and exactly how
He worked…but that would be absolutely absurd. Unless of course you are like me
and can understand the only description that made and still makes any sense
whatsoever; God is everything.
This is what started to turn the grinder off.
This tiny phrase, which I found by
“accident” in our literature; “God is everything or God is nothing…”
The worm had turned…and the darkness has
faded ever so steadily since those moments some years ago now. I did not fight
then with God and His existence; now I recognized that the fight was and always
had been with self. That bloody “I” which constantly stood fast and in the way
of any lasting change which was
required.
There were no targets outside of me; no
them or they any longer, who were out to get to me. It was only “I” who wanted
to make me suffer and what I needed to let go of were those parts of me which
caused the inability to connect to God and my fellows.
Those parts of me which alienated and kept
me a prisoner of my own sick mind…of course I had to be able to see that in fact
my mind was where the sickness began and in no way can a sick mind cure
itself.
What a mind bender that was at first…
I wish I could say that everything was easy
from that moment on, but that simply would not be true…however, from that
awakening life did start to become simpler. The normal decisions, which at one
point may have caused me a lot of stress, confusion, and a whole lot of
rationalization began to require simple
honesty.
It was clear that honesty was the basis for
a spiritual life; making the choice to be honest with myself and to others about
myself as best I could in any given moment. The most interesting result of this
was forgetting whatever may be out of joint in someone else and keeping my side
of the street as clean as possible gradually became the
norm…
Along with prayer, working through the
written process, and service work there are catalytic points along the way I
must participate in if I want to experience the whole benefit of the program. It
was not enough for me to sit back and be a bystander hoping everything would be
ok without making those different and often difficult choices.
I was faced with three such choices; each
of which instinctively seemed important for the direction of my life and they
all came within the spans of 3 and a half years.
I made the choice of being honest in each
of these pivotal points; not because I felt incredibly comfortable with the
consequences or because I am such a moral mountain, but because by God’s grace I
had a deep knowledge that everything was well under control and would be
ok.
It was God’s presence in my life which
allowed me to move forward from each of those places with the kind of faith I
had never known possible. But with every choice, the foundation was being laid
by God to trust more and more and surrender even more of
myself.
There came this inner whisper, which did
not dictate but gently suggest a direction to go. From the whisper and the
slightest step towards truth came the human representatives of God, who mostly
were unaware of the decisions I had to make.
Each of them provided the strength I would
need whether they believed in God or not, they acted as representatives for Him.
I had no doubt inside and made the choices I would not have made otherwise…the
consequences seemed too harsh, too irreversible, and too obvious for me to
believe on my own I would have made the same choices.
I lost friends and I lost jobs…and in each
situation it was the absolute right thing to do. It is always regrettable to
lose friends and injure people, but in no way shape or form were anyone’s
intentions or motives based out of spite. We all were doing the best we could in
those moments and despite the severity of some of these events I leave
everything to God as I am not the
judge.
What is will always stand as exactly what
should be; regardless of whether I agree with it, want it, or have any control
over it… that is where faith has brought me. To a place where “It is what it is”
and this phrase says everything I will ever need to know on any given
day.
Acceptance IS the answer to all of my problems today…
The realization or actualization of this
small turn of phrase has brought me yet another kind of freedom I had not
imagined possible. I do my part to the best of my ability and at the day’s end,
I may be completely at odds with the outcome yet there is a profound peace given
me when I recognize that “it is exactly what it is” and could not have been
anything else.
Most of you probably understand this deeply
and for that I am grateful, as I only began to grasp it in my 36th
year on this planet. The good news is that God has shown me, through other
people mostly, and not a God of any religion really but the universal power in
all things, how to build faith and continue in this life with something more
sustainable than all of the power or energy I could possibly conceive and
muster.
This faith has worked when all else fails;
thinking back now, 9 years in, I am taken aback by how much energy I wasted
trying to control every part of my life when every outcome existed as it was
regardless. The time frames simply adjusted depending on my exertion of force
and will; the more forceful, outcomes were expedient and more indifferent I
became, the outcomes waited for me like a looming thunder cloud.
Funny how even though I understand this, my
mind continues to get twisted up on how all of this is even possible; the only
answer I have today…faith.
Whether it was a relationship or job or
whatever the fuck…all the control I tried to exert never kept anything from
reaching its natural end…some
might say, “but what if you had learned to let go sooner and believe; would the
outcome have been the same?”
I agree with the possibility of different
outcome…but then the process would have been altered for me long before those
situations arose and in that case my path would not have been the same that I am
on therefore would have been someone else’s
altogether…
I know; the intellectual arguments go well
beyond the simplistic I have offered, but intellectual arguments for me are as
important as whether or not I have eggs or cereal for breakfast. This process
has taken a big giant dump on the action of wasted argument, instead replacing
them with spiritual pursuits that often disappear as you discuss them in any
form.
This has become some serious next level
shit for me and there are days when I wonder what has happened to me…but because
the outcomes appear to be for the betterment of those around me, I just continue
to trust that everything is exactly as it is supposed to be…it is what it is
man… it is what it is.
I wish I have engaged perfectly in all of
my relationships with people, but that has not been the case. I have failed and
quite often. Unfortunately that means I have hurt others in the process of
trying to figure out what the hell to do in this area of my
life.
Although the level of destruction has
become smaller, I have not been happy about continuing to hurt others, as my
true nature is not to cause harm in any way. At least I feel that is my true
nature, so it pains me, not because I feel pity for myself, but because I have
caused others pain in a sometimes blind attempt to do
better.
Unfortunately I have become all to accustom
to the sensation of failure in relationships with members of the opposite sex so
that self-pity does not get the chance to settle in. I have tried to become more
and more honest in these relationships because at the least I can do that, but
honesty without compassion is brutality and that has not worked.
I recognize that I have absolutely no
control over the outcomes of relationships but for my side of things. There were
times through the past couple years where I allowed myself to live in denial and
thus affected the other people involved. Where I was so self-absorbed trying to
be understood that I completely failed to understand. There was denial of what I
needed perhaps, but more so denial of what I found acceptable to me and from me
in terms of relating to others.
There was an old part of me holding on for
dear life and I did not recognize it until I completed another set of steps a
few months ago…
…from the 5th step I wandered
out feeling rather numb, but also content. It had been far too long since I had
sat down and wrote out a set of steps and I knew it as soon as I sat to write
out the step 4, which at first I thought would be short. I started and I just
kept writing.
The old and ancient part was in respects to
relationships and sex and issues I had imagined were resolved in earlier sets of
steps and counseling. Truth be told, all of the work I had previously simply set
the stage for a larger layer of the onion to get peeled. Through the wonderful
spiritual advisor who heard my 5th step came God’s gentle voice
telling me it was ok to be exactly as I am. For the true person I am is not
harmful, angry, and does not live in fear… the true self was being revealed to
me one day at a time and that indeed I had caused damage which I am responsible
for there was hope.
And hope is what I needed…what I need.
As I walked and worked, prayed and
meditated for the next couple of weeks; I started to see some definite changes
which needed to be made…
There were so many people, wonderful in
their own right, who I stayed connected too in order to continue living my
ancient way of selfishness and comfort that I needed to part ways from. Slowly I
felt God pulling me away emotionally and spiritually; if not for my sake, then
certainly for theirs. I felt the need for the illusion of safety they had
brought me through the years slip away like smoke into the night’s sky and
finally vanish.
In my prayers I had asked, over and over
again, for God to show me what He wanted me to do and in the same prayer I would
whisper “whatever you want for me God, I want to do, if I am not willing today,
may You make me willing for I wish only to do Your will…”
…and the grip that had been clenched around
my neck started to loosen. I could feel it, faintly at first, and then wholesale
in other moments when faith was strong.
Today it may not always make sense and it
definitely is not what I had planned, thank God, as the limits I had put on
myself were far shorter than a limitless future with the God of my
understanding. Yet there is something comforting in not knowing today and simply
trusting or trying to trust that the process is unfolding just as it needs to
unfold…
…of course any missive shorter than a
novel, trying to summarize 9 years will inevitably fall short due to space and
time. I attempt to punch this out in time for the anniversary date of both my
sobriety and my grandfather’s date of passing; August 22, 2004. I cannot
however, leave out some items which have crept steadily to the forefront as I
worked through the pages here…
In the beginning I lost a lot of
friendships I thought would last and although I struggled to let go of the
relationships I had with those people, gradually I surrendered and chose the
path I am now on regardless of what it may have meant. It was not that the
people were flawed; in fact many of them are marvelous individuals and most were
much better off without me hanging around being nuts.
It was simply a matter of moving forward so
that each of us could grow in our own directions. At least that was how it
seemed as time passed; once the dust settled and I recognized my limitations
with the old ideas in terms of incorporating new
ones.
I came in and I only had to change one
thing…everything.
What did I have to do to accomplish this?
Surrender and do whatever it took not to
pick up a drink or a drug. I had surrendered even though I fancied myself an
argumentative cuss. The levee broke when I walked through those doors 9 years
ago and in my weakness God carried me despite my
arguments.
That is the God I have come to know…a
loving creator which is everything all at once. All He seems to ask of me is to
participate in the process and try to do better than my last…. By Your grace I
go God, thank You.
When I sat teetering on the edge of sanity
three or so years in, Dominic was there. The only friend, who had been with me
from my drinking and using days who I still kept in regular contact and
association.
He listened through every bit of my
insanity and his friendship never wavered. I am sure there were moments he
thought better of our relationship but he was always there. By God’s grace my
using and drinking life did not cross over to him and I as I would surely be a
lonely man, much worse for wear than I am today without
him…
There are always too many people to
remember thanking each of them, but there are a few I would be remiss to leave
out because their impact has been so
great…
Natasha, who gave me so much support in
every aspect of my life and made it possible to not only visit the mountains as
often I could get away for 4 straight years, but was always making my life
easier in so many ways. I am blessed to call her one of my best friends today.
There is no doubt that she is one of those few sincerely kind people you meet in
your life who is kind for no better reason than it is her nature. Simply put,
she is one of the good ones and my life is enhanced by her presence in it. Thank
you, Natasha.
Of course, there is Tara, who made my books
and writing a reality when I had all but given up. Who constantly kept my head
in the game with her attention, friendship, and inquisitive nature; Tara is one
of the most selfless people I have ever met and without a doubt her strength and
tenacity towards me pushed me forward when it seemed like there was no reason to
keep going. Thank you, Tara.
To all of the people I am blessed to call
friends today, and surprisingly there are many more than I would have dreamt, I
hope that my presence in your life is one of goodness and hope. I pray that I am
able to provide even half of the support and love that you all have given to
me.
There are countless anonymous people who
have helped shaped my recovery thus far and to each of you, I am indebted. I
pray and hope that I can be as selfless and generous with what I have been
given, as each of you has been with me. Thank you all.
And to my family, wow…there are no words to
describe the incredible blessing of a life I have today without acknowledging
the foundation of this life that is given by each of you, every day. My heart is
filled with love, hope and faith because of your love, hope and faith through
the years before and after August 22, 2004. My hope is that in this life,
however many days remain, I am the kind of man you feel proud to call your
brother, your son, and your uncle.
May God continue to bless each and every
one of you and may His abiding peace and love follow you throughout your days.
Amen.
Thank you,
David Lewry
words around on my tongue when I am alone and sitting quietly listening to the
river flow by and it seems like a dream… “9 years, 9 freaking years… by the
grace of God indeed.”
For some reason it seems impossible that so
much time has passed and so little in the same breath. It feels like I have
lived a whole new life in that short spittle of time…probably because in some
ways I have in so many ways.
I try and look in the mirror today… there
was a time when I might glance at the reflection and look straight through it
for fear of what I might see, what I might recognize or how it would make me
feel to see anything at all.
Today the looks are brief and seemingly
more objective; I am getting hair where no hair existed before, my eyes are a
bit heavier in my skull, and my skin looks a bit tougher than I
remember.
I still do not like to take too long a look
however, but today I notice the absence of fear and the presence of recognition
and acceptance. Something I rarely if ever grasped in days long passed. There
just seems to be less reason to check things out these days and more reason to
smile, nod, and give thanks that everything seems to be in working order.
I am extremely grateful for that
fact…
Grateful for much that once never occurred
to me as a blessing, but in my selfish ways struck me as a right or
entitlement…how things have changed…how God has changed
everything.
I remember the discomfort I felt in every
situation when I first stepped into this new world; the alcohol and drugs
leaving my system in those early days left an impression that I hope lasts me a
lifetime. I recall feeling like my skin was burning, freezing, and tearing
sometimes all in the same instant, the sweat soaking my mattress as I detoxed a
little more every day, the frantic pace of my thoughts, and constant swift,
shifting of emotions as the physical detox pressed on through the mental and
psychological…and then I remember it getting worse once the physical symptoms
fully subsided.
I kept thinking, it should be better now,
it should be much better… finding some semblance of serenity in the fact that at
least I wasn’t sweating constantly and freezing all at once while manically
thinking of depressed emotions. While being bombarded with those wicked memories
and nightmares.
There were tiny victories in those early
days and I held on to each like a drowning man grabs for the life boat even
though he is only able to hold on for minutes, sometimes seconds at a time
because fatigue is real and the grip just fails. You hold on just long enough to
take a breath before being pulled under once more, breathing shorter and shorter
with each passing moment…or so it
seemed.
The voices freaked me out, but no more than
the night terrors, which lasted well into the second year. Of course they
lessoned in frequency as time wore on, but I never got used to them. Each time
they came it was like the first time all over again and I was paralyzed with
fear, guilt and regret.
Why guilt and regret you may be asking?
Well in my case with each night terror came
the flooding of memories from years and deeds gone by. At times the vividness of
these memories caused me to wake and question whether I had consumed again and
had been involved in the behaviors earlier that night.
Whether those men who took my childhood
away were lingering in the kitchen or the other room, hiding and waiting until I
was vulnerable again…in the beginning everything rushed upon me like it wasn’t
20 years ago, but 20 seconds…
Thank God for being able to retrace my
steps with a relatively clear mind after a few long, dragging moments of
terrifying panic and muttered cursing. Then cleaning up the sweat and laying a
towel down on top of the sheets…
After speaking initially to a doctor about
the symptoms I was experiencing, it was suggested I consider medication. I
considered it of course because I was almost certain that I had developed some
type of severe mental illness from the years of drug and alcohol abuse in
combination with whatever trauma I had suffered early as a child.
Thank God again for the dark and dingy
anonymous meeting rooms I was able to attend where I was able to listen and hear
people who told similar versions of my story. I may have jumped on the
medication train as fast as I could and ridden it for as long as I was allowed
otherwise.
Of course I did not drink the Cool Aid
immediately upon walking through those doors so of course I suffered accordingly
for my constant internal resistance and disobedience to the kind suggestions
provided to me free of charge.
I learned quickly in these rooms to keep
quiet and listen unless you were relatively certain that you knew something
helpful if not altogether true. Besides I had no information to give people who
had remained sober using this method for years counting into the 40’s.
My initial sharing consisted of short
blurts about the obvious struggles I had which related to other people’s but not
much more and certainly not about the proper way to work their program because I
was not doing much of a job in my own
life.
I heard that if I did not drink or use
between meeting attendance that I would not get drunk or high… I hung on to that
simple yet profound statement as though it was the only truth I had ever heard.
Honestly up until that point it was the only truth I had ever heard about the
problem I was facing.
I made so many mistakes in the early years
I cannot even recall all of them with accuracy in such a short missive, suffice
to say that a good deal of my behaviors ceased once the chemicals were gone…not
because I was a better person all of a sudden, but because they simply no longer
made any sense.
There was a suggestion to avoid
relationships (opposite or same sex romantic) for the first year; I did not
listen and in fact I am not even certain my brain actually allowed me to hear
that one. They suggested not to make any major life changes in the first year;
new jobs, new house, major moves, et cetera. I ignored or conveniently forgot
that one as well.
And I suffered the consequences of not
listening to my elders in those moments; those which I suddenly began to realize
were the same consequences I would always receive if I continued to live a life
based on selfishness and devoid of
patience.
The poor decisions did not cause me to
drink or use drugs; they did not cause me instantly to lose my family,
apartment, car, career, or my physical health. What they caused was the
extension of emotional, spiritual, and mental anguish beyond what I could safely
express in many given moments.
That was life lived the way I always had
before I sobered up…only now there was no numbing agent. That is what I was
experiencing every time I swallowed or smoked something to calm my nerves; I did
not outwardly show or internally comprehend what was happening exactly because I
had gotten into the habit of numbing so it never seemed strange or out of
place.
Ignorance was blissful…for a time.
The early years in recovery taught me that in fact I had no concept whatever of what hell I had been putting myself through on any level.
I was cognizant of behaviors and some
surface thoughts, but I was unaware of the intricate nature of the spider web my
subconscious mind had created in order to keep me in the dark.
In order to follow my disease to its
natural end…which of course is death.
…and deeply unaware of how powerful my ego
had become…capable of creating reasoning and excuses that my own mind could not
unravel by the time I sobered up.
Between my third and fourth years of
sobriety, having resisted and fought the majority of time and concepts, I found
myself sitting all alone in a room contemplating what many have described as
“The bottle, the bullet, or the book...”
In the spans of those short but self-made
difficult years, I had behaved on the one hand much differently than the person
I knew as David. On the other hand my behavior regarding sex and selfishness had
escalated to such a degree that I wondered how sober I really was.
…The bottle, the bullet, or the book…
Now, I truly believe everything happens for
a reason so today I look back with no regrets, but trust me when I say, “there
must have been an easier way from the start…and I am sure it has everything to
do with being thorough.”
The amazing gifts of living purely in the
self are many; a handsome dose of self-pity mixed with an angry arrogance, a
constant fluctuation from mania to depression, the repetitive state of
instability and the list goes on… this has been my experience at any
rate.
Stability was a pipe dream.
Serenity, a word scribbled in books and on walls in basements all over the planet.
Definitely not something I imagined to be true…despite people’s claims to the contrary…
So I sat one night, on the ledge of the terrible hole I had dug and contemplated which direction to go… the bottle, the bullet or the gun… and for the first time in a long while I asked for help. It
was not the kind of asking a sane person might do, it was the type us desperate
sorts blurt out amidst terrible weeping, wracked with guilt to a power we barely
believe in let alone understand.
Come to think of it, it was not so much
asking as it was throwing myself at the mercy of this God entity, or at the
time, empty space, crying, “I cannot go on like this, what am I supposed to do?”
Eyes closed tightly, the images of suicide and taking a drink flashing through
my mind…the words repeating, bouncing off the walls of my mind…”what am I
supposed to do?”
Somehow I fell asleep and when I woke, I
proceeded to go to a meeting for the first time in weeks, maybe months. Someone
had heard my begging through the darkness and betrayal of my own thoughts;
something managing the light at the end of the tunnel.
For the first time I really felt the
connection to something much larger than myself for longer than a few seconds.
Obviously it is difficult to explain the sensation beyond knowing deep inside
your being that everything was under control and that in fact everything would
be ok…
I felt better than I had in months even though feeling better meant feeling like a
smaller bag of shit might. I re-entered the process with what felt like a new chance.
I knew I had to start doing the work as it was laid out and although that meant I
would have to straighten out the mess I made, I set out later that day to begin with a
colleague of mine.
What I had paid lip service towards needed
to be done now. The old fear of dying if I went back out did not have the same
power over me it seemed and I needed something beyond fear to keep me sober. I
knew instinctively a drink meant death, but there was that sad part of me which
did not care.
As the days passed into weeks, it was amazing what started to happen…change.
I no longer felt ok about my dishonesty or my selfishness. The rationalization for it had
evaporated by working through the prescribed solution. My eyes, which I had thought
were completely open, actually began to open for the first time.
I did not feel fantastic, I felt relief and
that was good enough. I felt like I had to live, like I wanted to live more than
anything and that if I was to live it would have to be on terms other than my
own.
My life was not instantly perfect nor has
it become so, but at that point any change which caused me to start looking upon
the world with hope and a small semblance of faith was monumental.
Even this minute psychic change led me to be repulsed by the idea of both suicide and
relapse.
Thank you God.
I was woefully, or so I thought, unaware as
to what God was or how the whole thing worked, but I knew then there was
something far greater than I at work in the universe. Far beyond my intellect,
this force moved in a soft voice, watching in hopes that we might reach our
individual potentials like a loving parent might with their children.
This knowledge washed over me as the wind
brushed my cheeks, the river flowed before me, and off in the distance to the
west, I saw the beautiful Rocky Mountains standing tall, clear as day.
Shortly after my fourth sober birthday, the
light started finding cracks upon cracks to seep into my consciousness… although
some changes began to take shape rapidly, the wholesale changes to certain
behaviors did not start immediately. I found myself floundering more often than
not some days, but what had taken shape was a desire to be accountable to my
fellow human beings and with that came a sense of responsibility for my
actions.
I cannot fully express the impact this all
had on me, but to say that the world started to make more sense and not cause me
to constantly fight or find a way out would be simplistic yet somewhat
accurate.
Then towards the middle of that fourth year
an elder looked at me one morning and said, “rule 62 Davey…” I stared at him,
laughed because I had no idea what he was talking about and thought maybe he was
just making shit up to make me laugh for a
change…
“What’s rule 62,” I asked.
“Don’t take yourself too damn seriously,
buddy,” he smiled and laughed, “you’re wound so tight you’re about to blow up…”
he said with a grin and a chuckle.
Although I was unsure what the hell he
found so funny, I laughed, thought about a response as several ran through my
head and said, “You know what, you’re absolutely right man, I do need to lighten
the fuck up…”
He smiled and nodded, “you’ll have a much
easier time if you do…”
That was another light bulb.
God, speaking through people moments and I
started down a path of learning how to lighten up. I figured if there was a God,
and I was pretty certain there was, He probably would not mind if I lightened up
a bit…
I thought about it quite a lot… then I
sought some advice and was told that letting go and letting God would help with
this lightening up business…so I sought advice on how to do that…the answer was
simple.
Learn to pray more.
Learn to serve more.
I would learn to worry less.
And I will let go as a by-product of these things.
So I did. I turned what was daily prayer
into several times a day prayer and avoiding service work into being open and
willing to do whatever I could for others struggling with my illness. The
results were many, but the most obvious one to me was the softening of my heart
by God towards self and others.
Which of course meant I was starting to lighten up…
I was told when someone upsets you, as
people sometimes do, to pray for them and continue praying until the poison of
bitterness and resentment is no longer present. I began trying it with zeal; I
was tired by the constant running of vengeance and revenge in my head every time
someone disagreed with me or said something negative about me.
Son of a bitch!
It started to work!
I started to experience less and less
mental anguish about things I could neither control nor change. It was as though
my body, mind and spirit started to enter the flow and the resistance was
slipping away.
What a relief…
As I have said, I was desperate enough to
do almost anything and everything that was suggested to me in order to live.
Hence my previous “not interested…or no thank you…” became “absolutely and sure
will…”
The simple act of becoming open and willing
seemed to make the world and my connection to it wide open, liberating and vast
versus the old closed and imprisoning one I had come to know…there was a freedom
I had never felt at any point in my previous life.
Thank you God.
It was not as though I had constructed the
previous world without reason; like many others in my situation; being closed
off from people, life, and reality somehow felt safer after all that had
happened and all that I had done in reaction to it. The larger the issue, the
larger the wall I had built and the more time and effort with God it would take
to smash through the granite and metal…
But of course some of those circumstances
leave a lingering and often hidden pattern of behavior, thought, and emotion
long after they have passed. In some cases, long after they have been faced and
allegedly dealt with.
There is something to be said about
engaging in this process for the long haul not the short term. Of course some
things can be addressed, dealt with, and moved from much easier than others.
The trick of course is letting time show us
which ones are which.
I say this is tricky because most of us
find ourselves in quite the hurry to be better all at once upon recognition of
the alleged issue…unfortunately this is not the general case, at least for
myself and those I have been blessed to encounter along the path. It is much
more common for us to whittle away at things while the master sculpture does His
thing…
One of the amazing things about this
process has been watching as it works even if a person does not believe in
anything resembling a higher power. If their higher power becomes the process,
change is imminent.
The scariest thing is to watch an outright
belligerent denial of anything and everything that is contrary to what I want to
believe…not only can I relate to the pain and anger this leaves in us, but I can
see the increased desire to escape these feelings as time wears
on.
It was not the lack of belief which pushed
me away; it was essentially the lack of willingness and an open mind. For when
my mind closes, I become angry towards anything and everything not in agreement
with my own views and ideas.
When I am angry I am more selfish than in
any other emotional state… and selfishness is what brought me back to the brink.
Selflessness is essentially what pulled me from the fire. And honestly it was
not my own selflessness either…
It was that, which was held so honestly by
others; those who gave and gave of themselves and in most cases they did not
even recognize they were giving. They simply did what selfless people do and
kept being there giving. They walked me through the darkness with their presence
and quiet, helpful wisdom.
I am forever grateful to each of them;
there is no doubt in my mind that without their kind, tolerance of me I would
not be sitting here typing this now.
From this dark moment I started to see just
how often God had done all of the walking, carrying me on His shoulders. That in
fact He had done this when I was in my deepest denial of Him in my mind yet all
the while holding Him secretly and tightly in my heart. For as much as I argued
and denied His presence, power, and concern intellectually, there was always a
sense that something was beyond my ability to
see.
I not only fought with this internal,
seemingly innate spiritual wisdom but I cherished the idea of creating the world
around me as I saw fit by drinking and using according to my imagined
fantastical ideas. Early on I continued to think I could construct the world
around me just as before, despite al of the evidence to the
contrary…
…but slowly then, as the dark began to lift
I recognized there was no further argument. My attempts at control,
manipulation, and bargaining were useless against the wisdom which had always
existed.
There was indeed a God and I was indeed not Him…
I would love to tell you that with this
internal awareness came a wonderful description of what God was and exactly how
He worked…but that would be absolutely absurd. Unless of course you are like me
and can understand the only description that made and still makes any sense
whatsoever; God is everything.
This is what started to turn the grinder off.
This tiny phrase, which I found by
“accident” in our literature; “God is everything or God is nothing…”
The worm had turned…and the darkness has
faded ever so steadily since those moments some years ago now. I did not fight
then with God and His existence; now I recognized that the fight was and always
had been with self. That bloody “I” which constantly stood fast and in the way
of any lasting change which was
required.
There were no targets outside of me; no
them or they any longer, who were out to get to me. It was only “I” who wanted
to make me suffer and what I needed to let go of were those parts of me which
caused the inability to connect to God and my fellows.
Those parts of me which alienated and kept
me a prisoner of my own sick mind…of course I had to be able to see that in fact
my mind was where the sickness began and in no way can a sick mind cure
itself.
What a mind bender that was at first…
I wish I could say that everything was easy
from that moment on, but that simply would not be true…however, from that
awakening life did start to become simpler. The normal decisions, which at one
point may have caused me a lot of stress, confusion, and a whole lot of
rationalization began to require simple
honesty.
It was clear that honesty was the basis for
a spiritual life; making the choice to be honest with myself and to others about
myself as best I could in any given moment. The most interesting result of this
was forgetting whatever may be out of joint in someone else and keeping my side
of the street as clean as possible gradually became the
norm…
Along with prayer, working through the
written process, and service work there are catalytic points along the way I
must participate in if I want to experience the whole benefit of the program. It
was not enough for me to sit back and be a bystander hoping everything would be
ok without making those different and often difficult choices.
I was faced with three such choices; each
of which instinctively seemed important for the direction of my life and they
all came within the spans of 3 and a half years.
I made the choice of being honest in each
of these pivotal points; not because I felt incredibly comfortable with the
consequences or because I am such a moral mountain, but because by God’s grace I
had a deep knowledge that everything was well under control and would be
ok.
It was God’s presence in my life which
allowed me to move forward from each of those places with the kind of faith I
had never known possible. But with every choice, the foundation was being laid
by God to trust more and more and surrender even more of
myself.
There came this inner whisper, which did
not dictate but gently suggest a direction to go. From the whisper and the
slightest step towards truth came the human representatives of God, who mostly
were unaware of the decisions I had to make.
Each of them provided the strength I would
need whether they believed in God or not, they acted as representatives for Him.
I had no doubt inside and made the choices I would not have made otherwise…the
consequences seemed too harsh, too irreversible, and too obvious for me to
believe on my own I would have made the same choices.
I lost friends and I lost jobs…and in each
situation it was the absolute right thing to do. It is always regrettable to
lose friends and injure people, but in no way shape or form were anyone’s
intentions or motives based out of spite. We all were doing the best we could in
those moments and despite the severity of some of these events I leave
everything to God as I am not the
judge.
What is will always stand as exactly what
should be; regardless of whether I agree with it, want it, or have any control
over it… that is where faith has brought me. To a place where “It is what it is”
and this phrase says everything I will ever need to know on any given
day.
Acceptance IS the answer to all of my problems today…
The realization or actualization of this
small turn of phrase has brought me yet another kind of freedom I had not
imagined possible. I do my part to the best of my ability and at the day’s end,
I may be completely at odds with the outcome yet there is a profound peace given
me when I recognize that “it is exactly what it is” and could not have been
anything else.
Most of you probably understand this deeply
and for that I am grateful, as I only began to grasp it in my 36th
year on this planet. The good news is that God has shown me, through other
people mostly, and not a God of any religion really but the universal power in
all things, how to build faith and continue in this life with something more
sustainable than all of the power or energy I could possibly conceive and
muster.
This faith has worked when all else fails;
thinking back now, 9 years in, I am taken aback by how much energy I wasted
trying to control every part of my life when every outcome existed as it was
regardless. The time frames simply adjusted depending on my exertion of force
and will; the more forceful, outcomes were expedient and more indifferent I
became, the outcomes waited for me like a looming thunder cloud.
Funny how even though I understand this, my
mind continues to get twisted up on how all of this is even possible; the only
answer I have today…faith.
Whether it was a relationship or job or
whatever the fuck…all the control I tried to exert never kept anything from
reaching its natural end…some
might say, “but what if you had learned to let go sooner and believe; would the
outcome have been the same?”
I agree with the possibility of different
outcome…but then the process would have been altered for me long before those
situations arose and in that case my path would not have been the same that I am
on therefore would have been someone else’s
altogether…
I know; the intellectual arguments go well
beyond the simplistic I have offered, but intellectual arguments for me are as
important as whether or not I have eggs or cereal for breakfast. This process
has taken a big giant dump on the action of wasted argument, instead replacing
them with spiritual pursuits that often disappear as you discuss them in any
form.
This has become some serious next level
shit for me and there are days when I wonder what has happened to me…but because
the outcomes appear to be for the betterment of those around me, I just continue
to trust that everything is exactly as it is supposed to be…it is what it is
man… it is what it is.
I wish I have engaged perfectly in all of
my relationships with people, but that has not been the case. I have failed and
quite often. Unfortunately that means I have hurt others in the process of
trying to figure out what the hell to do in this area of my
life.
Although the level of destruction has
become smaller, I have not been happy about continuing to hurt others, as my
true nature is not to cause harm in any way. At least I feel that is my true
nature, so it pains me, not because I feel pity for myself, but because I have
caused others pain in a sometimes blind attempt to do
better.
Unfortunately I have become all to accustom
to the sensation of failure in relationships with members of the opposite sex so
that self-pity does not get the chance to settle in. I have tried to become more
and more honest in these relationships because at the least I can do that, but
honesty without compassion is brutality and that has not worked.
I recognize that I have absolutely no
control over the outcomes of relationships but for my side of things. There were
times through the past couple years where I allowed myself to live in denial and
thus affected the other people involved. Where I was so self-absorbed trying to
be understood that I completely failed to understand. There was denial of what I
needed perhaps, but more so denial of what I found acceptable to me and from me
in terms of relating to others.
There was an old part of me holding on for
dear life and I did not recognize it until I completed another set of steps a
few months ago…
…from the 5th step I wandered
out feeling rather numb, but also content. It had been far too long since I had
sat down and wrote out a set of steps and I knew it as soon as I sat to write
out the step 4, which at first I thought would be short. I started and I just
kept writing.
The old and ancient part was in respects to
relationships and sex and issues I had imagined were resolved in earlier sets of
steps and counseling. Truth be told, all of the work I had previously simply set
the stage for a larger layer of the onion to get peeled. Through the wonderful
spiritual advisor who heard my 5th step came God’s gentle voice
telling me it was ok to be exactly as I am. For the true person I am is not
harmful, angry, and does not live in fear… the true self was being revealed to
me one day at a time and that indeed I had caused damage which I am responsible
for there was hope.
And hope is what I needed…what I need.
As I walked and worked, prayed and
meditated for the next couple of weeks; I started to see some definite changes
which needed to be made…
There were so many people, wonderful in
their own right, who I stayed connected too in order to continue living my
ancient way of selfishness and comfort that I needed to part ways from. Slowly I
felt God pulling me away emotionally and spiritually; if not for my sake, then
certainly for theirs. I felt the need for the illusion of safety they had
brought me through the years slip away like smoke into the night’s sky and
finally vanish.
In my prayers I had asked, over and over
again, for God to show me what He wanted me to do and in the same prayer I would
whisper “whatever you want for me God, I want to do, if I am not willing today,
may You make me willing for I wish only to do Your will…”
…and the grip that had been clenched around
my neck started to loosen. I could feel it, faintly at first, and then wholesale
in other moments when faith was strong.
Today it may not always make sense and it
definitely is not what I had planned, thank God, as the limits I had put on
myself were far shorter than a limitless future with the God of my
understanding. Yet there is something comforting in not knowing today and simply
trusting or trying to trust that the process is unfolding just as it needs to
unfold…
…of course any missive shorter than a
novel, trying to summarize 9 years will inevitably fall short due to space and
time. I attempt to punch this out in time for the anniversary date of both my
sobriety and my grandfather’s date of passing; August 22, 2004. I cannot
however, leave out some items which have crept steadily to the forefront as I
worked through the pages here…
In the beginning I lost a lot of
friendships I thought would last and although I struggled to let go of the
relationships I had with those people, gradually I surrendered and chose the
path I am now on regardless of what it may have meant. It was not that the
people were flawed; in fact many of them are marvelous individuals and most were
much better off without me hanging around being nuts.
It was simply a matter of moving forward so
that each of us could grow in our own directions. At least that was how it
seemed as time passed; once the dust settled and I recognized my limitations
with the old ideas in terms of incorporating new
ones.
I came in and I only had to change one
thing…everything.
What did I have to do to accomplish this?
Surrender and do whatever it took not to
pick up a drink or a drug. I had surrendered even though I fancied myself an
argumentative cuss. The levee broke when I walked through those doors 9 years
ago and in my weakness God carried me despite my
arguments.
That is the God I have come to know…a
loving creator which is everything all at once. All He seems to ask of me is to
participate in the process and try to do better than my last…. By Your grace I
go God, thank You.
When I sat teetering on the edge of sanity
three or so years in, Dominic was there. The only friend, who had been with me
from my drinking and using days who I still kept in regular contact and
association.
He listened through every bit of my
insanity and his friendship never wavered. I am sure there were moments he
thought better of our relationship but he was always there. By God’s grace my
using and drinking life did not cross over to him and I as I would surely be a
lonely man, much worse for wear than I am today without
him…
There are always too many people to
remember thanking each of them, but there are a few I would be remiss to leave
out because their impact has been so
great…
Natasha, who gave me so much support in
every aspect of my life and made it possible to not only visit the mountains as
often I could get away for 4 straight years, but was always making my life
easier in so many ways. I am blessed to call her one of my best friends today.
There is no doubt that she is one of those few sincerely kind people you meet in
your life who is kind for no better reason than it is her nature. Simply put,
she is one of the good ones and my life is enhanced by her presence in it. Thank
you, Natasha.
Of course, there is Tara, who made my books
and writing a reality when I had all but given up. Who constantly kept my head
in the game with her attention, friendship, and inquisitive nature; Tara is one
of the most selfless people I have ever met and without a doubt her strength and
tenacity towards me pushed me forward when it seemed like there was no reason to
keep going. Thank you, Tara.
To all of the people I am blessed to call
friends today, and surprisingly there are many more than I would have dreamt, I
hope that my presence in your life is one of goodness and hope. I pray that I am
able to provide even half of the support and love that you all have given to
me.
There are countless anonymous people who
have helped shaped my recovery thus far and to each of you, I am indebted. I
pray and hope that I can be as selfless and generous with what I have been
given, as each of you has been with me. Thank you all.
And to my family, wow…there are no words to
describe the incredible blessing of a life I have today without acknowledging
the foundation of this life that is given by each of you, every day. My heart is
filled with love, hope and faith because of your love, hope and faith through
the years before and after August 22, 2004. My hope is that in this life,
however many days remain, I am the kind of man you feel proud to call your
brother, your son, and your uncle.
May God continue to bless each and every
one of you and may His abiding peace and love follow you throughout your days.
Amen.
Thank you,
David Lewry